Here is My Confessional
I have mulled this over in my mind a million times and I want to throw something out there for you to think about. The topic is CONFESSION.
Eventually my domination will evolve into some kind of underground church. I see the pillars, the alter, but mostly, I see the confessional. A secret place where one goes to spill guilt and dump shame. There is NO judgment or assessment, only absolution. Furthermore, it is not only the actions of a person, but their THOUGHTS too that bind them in some kind of mental prison.
Ever notice that kept secrets hold power over you? When you release your sins through words, it loses all power to control.
Here is my proposal...
The doors of my confessional are open. This is your place to dissolve turmoil, fear, and the complexities of worry and uneasiness. I will not judge, discriminate or filter the posts as long as you follow this one guideline: No matter what you write, respect the Blog.
Anything goes.
To receive absolution, I will respond to your confession with a simple statement. Sign your comment with a distinguishing name or phrase.
In divine forgiveness and absoution,
Sharina Nicole
posted by Sharina Nicole at
6:01 PM
20 Comments:
Dear Mistress,
I have a confession to make. I had a schoolmate that was a friendly acquaintance of mine. While I was working at a store, he had negotiated with me to come in and make a purchase using travelers checks that he acquired unethically (theft). He would share the profits with me as long as I accepted the checks.
He got caught and I never acknowledged to authorities that he and I had negotiated to conspire. Years later, I learned that he was ostracized by his family partially due to the incident. He shot himself in a field while atending college.
The guilt lingers, please absolve me.
Yours
You have been absolved. NOW FORGIVE YOURSELF.
MSN
In 1974 I had a girlfriend named Linda. She was different than other girls I dated. We were both pretty kinky. Linda had very long dark brown hair and it was straight. We met this blonde in a bar. She had very long and straight hair too. She was pretty and while we met and talked at the bar we decided to go bck to her place. Linda was a very sexual ldy and she loved being with a woman sexually. We got very kinky that evening and when we went to this ladies house, we got into some bondage. Linda and I tied this girl to a chair. At firswt she liked it because Linda was sexually teasing her. I got it in my mind that I wanted to cut off her hair. I don't know why I wanted to do that, but Linda was game too. This girl protested and started crying but the more she objected, the more I wanted to do it. I found a pair of scissors and cut her hair off and the whole time she cried. What was weird is that with my girlfriend and I, the whole thing was very matter of fact. We didn't care. We untied her and we just left.
Over the years I have felt guilty for what we did to her. I always wondered how that experience scarred her.
You have been absolved. Forgiving yourself is the first step in healing the injury.
MSN
Bless me Mistress, for i have sinned. My last confession was umpteen years ago.
25 years ago while studying in Germany, i once was turned down for a dance by several girls. When the last of them said no, i told her she was "too big, or fat". The next day she committed suicide. i have had a tough time living with this ever since, sometimes thinking of killing myself because of it.
charlene
When i was seven, my friend's older brother urged me to pull down his sisters pants. As she was scrambling up the stairs trying to get away from me she slipped. I reached out and grabbed the waistband of her shorts. As she regained her footing she pulled away. I hung on to her shorts and they and her underwear came down partially exposing her buttocks. I don't know if i actually pulled down or not but i will never forget the hurt look on her face. i was excited yet troubled by this. It still bothers me to this day. I was never punished for this. If you believe in an eye for an eye justice, please hand down my my sentence and let me know when i should report for its execution.
Sincerely
retry
"charlene", Killing yourself would be fruitless and pointless. You are absolved. NOW FORGIVE YOURSELF.
"retry" you are absolved, NOW FORGIVE YOURSELF.
I remember when I was 17, and this child went down the river drowning. I was the first one there and I was so afraid I didn't go to him to save him, A man saved the kid, the fear and the current was too strong for me. I hope when it is my time again I will not hesitate.
There are reasons for everything...You are absolved, now FORGIVE YOURSELF.
MSN
In college, I was seeing this girl but just for the sex. She was kinky and into bondage and made Linda Lovelace look like an amateur swallower. I had no intention of staying with her for the long term as physically she was just not my type. I often feel I just "wasted her time." I was left with some incredible memories and I guess she was, too, but was I wrong to "use" her?
Thank You-
Kinkster.
Kinkster,
It is not my choosing to judge you. What I will say is that we often times look back at a time in our lives where we feel differently about things because NOW our emotions and make-up aren't the same as they were then. We look back with a clear head. We were in a different head space at the time, and because of that, we made the decisions we made. I think the question may be to ask if you were in the same circumstances, would you do it again?
Do you also know that all relationships no matter what they contain are co-created? Do you also know that there are laws in the Unverse that explain why we have experiences, no matter what they are? Does it make sense that right now, in this lifetime, you are experiencing what is in your playground of learning? When you learn the lesson, you move on to the next lesson. Mastering life is why we are here.
When you look back on your experience, do you feel remorse? If so, realize that since then you have more than likely been faced with another circumstance very similar to the one you describe.
Relationships are never a waste of time. Even the ones that begin and end in just a few minutes, because we are ALWAYS in relationship with someone. Some last a few minutes while some last a lifetime...Once you have reached the highest learning in the relationship, it ends.
For you to move forward, FORGIVE YOURSELF. You have been absolved.
With love,
Sharina
Bless me Mistress for I have sinned. I have given up on healthy D/s relationships (or really any relationships) with women. Two failed marriages and the passing of the years have me very jaded. I have a Master's Degree and an excellent career, but the only women I know who will tolerate me in a sexual manner are crack whores. They won't beat me as it doesn't appear to be their thing, but I somehow feel as if it shouldn't have come down to crack whores and motel rooms.
Nobody ever managed to put happiness in a bottle or pill, despite the claims on the label.
Mistress Sharina, I confess to You that I practice self-spanking.
You might smile and ask, "So what?" But I feel shame in my fetish; and as you've observed, secrets hold a power over the keeper, binding them in a mental prison of worry and uneasiness. So in the interest of mitigating that shame, I will share with You some compromising details.
I have a large collection of wooden paddles. Some are genuine school paddles (with victims' signatures), some are athletic equipment, some are hazing implements, and some are BDSM paraphernalia. But most I made myself, emulating traditional discipline paddles. My favorites are roughly cut from 3/4" pine, with striking blades about 10" long by 5" wide. You will note these proportions are a bit thicker, shorter, and wider than typical BDSM paddles. This is due to the angle of self-application (and the fetish I've acquired for paddles of these proportions). They have holes drilled in them to lower wind resistance and reduce any cushion of air between wood and skin.
Because self-spanking does not entail surrendering to a Dominant, very strict rules are required to negate my own control. Every detail must be established in advance, leaving no options in the midst of punishment. The precise number of swats is set at 10, 12, 15, or 20 per cheek. I bare my bottom and bend over a wooden stool (with no cushioning) to keep myself firmly positioned. I confess that I do masturbate to prepare; but because I crave the experience of genuine corporal punishment, I do not allow any warm-up strokes. All swats must be as hard as possible and administered in a single set with only 1-2 seconds in between. Furthermore, I do not alternate cheeks; but instead apply all swats to one cheek at a time, so that the same spot is struck in rapid succession (again, trying to emulate real punishment). Because paddling my left cheek is slightly more difficult, I begin on that side. When finished with my left, I force myself to immediately administer the same number of swats to my right, trying to hit even harder with the improved angle.
It might be true that self-spanking can never be as hard as discipline administered by another person with full range of motion. But the few women that have spanked me never hit anywhere near as hard as I spank myself. I hope this is due to their own reservations, because my ultimate fantasy is to be paddled over a Woman's knee with a severity that I have never experienced.
My self-paddling typically leaves bruises that last several days. In rare instances, I've stained the paddle with blood. This very idea arouses me, and motivates me to hit as hard as possible in an attempt to repeat that occurrence. However, I must admit the bleeding was more common years ago, when I favored a much greater number of swats slowly administered during very lengthy sessions. By the time I was bleeding (usually with my buttocks hard and leathery), I was also quite numb. As you know, I now prefer the sharp, intense pain of a more realistic discipline experience.
Mistress Sharina, I have another confession that is even more intimate. Because these are hard, all-or-nothing spankings, I find it very difficult to begin. Sometimes I spend a good 20 minutes over the stool, mentally preparing for the pain. During this preparation, I often ejaculate from anticipation, without taking any discipline at all. These are disappointing climaxes, and I apologize for my weakness. To experience truly realistic punishment, I know I should ejaculate first, then force myself to take a brutal beating with no arousal to diminish the severity. But I have never been able to do that. I am sorry.
Thank you, Mistress, for reading this. I hope I have provided You some worthy diversion.
-m
-m,
For me, your confession brings up an important perspective. It seems customary that when a person confesses, because of shame, remorse and guilt, to be forgiven and receive absolution more than likely means the person has no real intention of repeating the action or feels guilty for the part they played in something that they knew was wrong.
Normally forgiveness and absolution are unconditionally given for one's confession. Although always unconditional, I have several questions for you.
How old are you? (This is important for a number of reasons)
Have you recently felt depressed because of your shame about self spanking?
If so, can you remember what thought or action triggered the depression?
Most importantly, what are you punishing yourself for?
It would be beneficial to know why you self spank, in order to put a positive light on it as opposed to reinforcing how bad the action itself is. There is nothing wrong with receiving pain for pleasure (and visa-versa), people do it all the time. But I think the process of the spankings trigger the REASON why you feel guilty doing it. Explore that, and if you still need forgiveness, you will certainly receive it.
M Sharina
Mistress Sharina, thank You for Your thoughtful response.
Of course, You are correct. I seem to be asking forgiveness for something that is not wrong, and absolution for behavior I intend to continue. I did not realize this disparity because my shame is so pervasive, and I had never questioned it. I very much appreciate the care You've taken in pointing this out, and in guiding me to frame my behavior in a "positive light ... as opposed to reinforcing how bad the action itself is." Your insight has impressed upon me why You are such a revered Mistress.
In response to Your questions, I am 45 and have self-spanked since age 6 or 7. I do have a history of depression, but this is not related to spanking and has been effectively treated for several years now. The difficult question remains "why?" My honest answer is I don't know.
I do not associate my spankings with any transgression -- at least not consciously. Rather than envisioning something I may have done to deserve "punishment," I fixate on the persona of a strict Woman administering discipline. This could be for any reason She sees fit. The important thing is that She has dictated this punishment, and my submission to the pain is my submission to Her. As I've explained, all details of my self-spanking are pre-determined in order to negate my own control. So perhaps instead of self-punishing, I am actually self-dominating. That is, establishing beforehand exactly how such a Woman would treat me, and then forcing myself to inflict that treatment on myself, as if under the control of that Woman.
While this theory might help to explain the "punishment" aspect (what the spankings are for), it does not address the shame issue, which You've prompted me to reconsider. Again, the honest answer is I don't know. But I suspect it is the remarkably solitary nature of these spankings that have reinforced my perception of this as an antisocial behavior. Yes, Women have spanked me, but only on very rare occasion, and not at all over the past 18 years or so. Their involvement was hardly enthusiastic, and they never knew of my self-spanking.
Mistress, if You have further insight based on my responses, I would certainly be grateful. However, I respect this as Your confessional, and appreciate this might not be the place for such discussion.
Regardless, You are correct, Mistress. I now realize forgiveness and absolution are not appropriate in this case, so I humbly withdraw my confession for such consideration. Your unique understanding and perspective has proven far more valuable.
Thank You again.
-m
TO "LEMMY" Dated 6/16/09
lemmy said...
Bless me Mistress for I have sinned. I have given up on healthy D/s relationships (or really any relationships) with women. Two failed marriages and the passing of the years have me very jaded. I have a Master's Degree and an excellent career, but the only women I know who will tolerate me in a sexual manner are crack whores. They won't beat me as it doesn't appear to be their thing, but I somehow feel as if it shouldn't have come down to crack whores and motel rooms.
Nobody ever managed to put happiness in a bottle or pill, despite the claims on the label.
Tuesday, June 16, 2009 6:07:00 PM PDT
My darling man...
Never give up on life, especially enjoying the things that make life sweet. I have not responded to your "confession" until now, because it was, in my opinion, destitute and I wasn't sure what it was that you were confessing to. Confessions are about absolution from things we are sorry for doing. A type of sin we commit as opposed to sins that were committed to us.
I want you to look into what makes your life the way it is. Ever heard of "Law of Attraction"? This is what correlates our thoughts to what we attract. There is more too it of course, but when you look at what you have attracted into your life (or the lack of what you really want) you can actually see where you need to focus and how. In order to find out how, go out and buy the movie "The Secret". It will reinforce to you that you are a unique and amazing human being and that your capabilities to attract what you want in your life, no matter what it is, is endless with possibilities. You just need to learn one thing, and that is how to attract what you do want. It's all about what you want, period. It takes practice when your mind is geared on the negative, but you can shift and your life will take on new meaning.
Now, when you go out and get "The Secret", watch it and then work it. Things will happen in your life when you work it. There are so many endless possibilities to what is available in the catalog of our Universe. You will see things begin to change and this will in turn give you hope, and that in turn will shift your Universe.
I am not aware of anything in your confession that needs to be forgiven. There is however, evidence of your despair, frustration and hopelessness, which in my opinion needs to be nurtured into possibility, JOY, peace and knowing how powerful you are as one unique man can be.
Take action NOW.
M Sharina
Bless me mistress for I have sinned,
When I was seventeen, I engaged in prostitution for drugs. This lasted several years. Boyfriends always ask how many partners I've had and to tell you the truth, I have no idea. I'm sure there have been over a hundred men that I've allowed to penetrate my body. I feel constant shame and guilt for this. My sexual feelings have become very complicated and I am currently trying to heal myself with the help of a beautiful and dominant boyfriend. Despite the beauty and success that have entered my life, I wonder if I'll ever have a healthy perspective on myself and my sexuality...
Haunted
My dearest Haunted,
Whatever we experience in this lifetime is perfect for our learning. The emotion of guilt keeps us from moving forward and holds us back from being free to experience life in the moment. Experiences are tainted and there is always this feeling that we are not enough because of the feeling of guilt.
Some people sabotage relationships, find themselves in financial straights because they put themselves in situations that solidify the belief that they are bad, not enough, unworthy and need to be punished. This is why it is so important to forgive yourself.
When you were a teenager, life presented certain circumstances for you to learn things in a way you could not learn any other way but to go through the process of drugs and prostitution. Amazingly enough, you survived. Believe it or not, it will empower you as a woman.
You have the right to allow ONLY those you trust to tell them about your past. It is no one's business and does not define you as a person now and telling anyone your past only keeps you in the shame mode and guilt mode and doesn't forward your life. That was then, this is now.
The man who is in your life now is also part of your learning. You may want to seek counseling. I know of a wonderful woman who works with people on many different levels of healing. If you would like her name, please E-mail me at: MsSharinaNicole@aol.com and I will be happy to give you the information you need to help your continued healing.
For you to move forward, lovingly FORGIVE YOURSELF.
You have been absolved.
M Sharina Nicole
Dear Mistress Sharina Nicole,
I have been seriously dating a girl for over 5 months. I have known her for over a year as we go to the same church together. We are very much in love, and she adores me. She tells me I am the most confident, attractive, masculine, intelligent, etc... man she has ever dated. She is enamored with my body, as well as the size and girth of my "package". She does not believe in having pre-marital sex though we do everything except sex. She is a genuinely sweet, good natured person. We even go to couple's bible studies together.
Intellectually, the way we express our sexuality fits the bill for everything I picture the ideal, normal, "healthy" sex life should look like prior to marriage. While she does know I have had a lot of sex partners, she believes I have put that behind me. She thinks of me as her knight in shining armor. She even calls me "The Perfect Man".
The problem is I am a sex addict with a lot of really extreme fetishes that I have explored with Dominatrices. I have had my balls kicked until I can't stand any more, I have had 10 needles put in each testicle, I have had my testicles juiced, I once was nearly suspended off the ground by a rope tied around my scrotum, I have been pissed on, kept in chastity. I have been forced to wear a dress and act like a girl. I have engaged in these fetishes in addition to just screwed other girls, or hooked up with guys on Craigslist for oral/JOs behind the backs of previous girlfriends. I have done this as recent as 1 year ago. Lastly, I go on binges of looking at extreme fetish sites, and then hide my tracks by clearing my Internet history.
My ultimate sexual fantasy is that I am a 24/7 TPE slave owned by a Mistress who has completely emasculated me by removing my cock, balls and has made me take female hormones. (The mere thought of being free of my overpowering sex drive is a wonderful fantasy in itself). I my Mistresses' property who serves her every wish, including servicing her bull lover and cleaning up all the fluids resulting from their lovemaking.
My girlfriend knows nothing about this "dark" side of me. I have kept it completely hidden from her. But just a few weeks ago I faced a serious temptation when two guys that I had previously sucked off, and 1 married woman who I have had sex with, all coincidentally contact me to see if I wanted to hook up. I resisted the temptation. However, I still look at extreme fetish sites. I can't seem to resist that. Past girlfriends have found my Internet trail to these sites- and the reaction is much worse than if I was caught looking at straight porn. One girl even vomited.
Also, while I am very attracted to my girlfriend, the only way I can achieve climax when we are engaged in foreplay is if I fantasize about, say, getting my dick chopped off after I orgasm.
In all other respects our relationship is very happy and very healthy. We are talking about marriage. But now I fear three things: 1: I revert back to my serial cheating ways. (In fact I was trying to justify purchasing one of Your sessions as being a "non-cheating" activity.) 2: My masochistic submissive side gets found out and horrifies my girlfriend. 3. I can never really be present sexually for my girlfriend because I am thinking about some extreme fetish when we are being intimate.
I have seen two therapists on this by the way. One said I have a borderline personality disorder, the other at the U of M Sexual Behavioral Health center said I am a transgender and wanted to put me on female hormones (which I thought was a very arousing idea, but I turned him down.)
Somehow keeping all this hidden from someone who I love and adore seems wrong. Revealing my other side would freak her out.
Thank you for creating this Confession Forum Mistress Sharina Nicole - and for reading through this.
P.S. I don't suppose you provide counseling for the recovering sex worthless masochistic cumslut whore sissy pig slave?
Double Life,
First of all, I am not a licensed therapist and I don't work with people on a professional level in this way. There are professionals who are described as "kink aware professionals" who do work with people with issues of their sexuality that have something to do with a fetish or kink. See this web site: http://www.ncsfreedom.org/
Second, I am under the impression that you would like to be in recovery of some kind from what you describe yourself as being a "sex addict" with extreme fetishes. You are consumed with it which is pretty much what addiction is. If your life becomes unmanageable in any way because of something you do, whether it is drug related, alcohol related, sex related or a compulsion, you need help.
It also concerns me that a therapist would identify you as "transgender" and want to prescribe female hormones which is a condition referred to as gender dysphoria. This is when the insides don't match the outsides. Your therapist would not want this more than you do.
I would urge you to work with a "KAP" therapist and if it would serve you, bring your girlfriend in for a couples therapy session(s). I'm sure that if you want to pursue a meaningful relationship with her further, working together as a couple would be important, least of all YOU with a therapist so you may get clear about what you are dealing with. I suggest this because you strike me as someone who is into risky behavior when it comes to your kink. AND, your girlfriend shouldn't be exposed to STD's, etc.
The way that I DO work with people on an S/m or BDSM level, is I create a way for them to experience their fetish or kink that is SAFE, sane and consensual. I see that from the many people I see, they can't share their "other side" or their fetish with their partner. When people come to explore their fetish with me, they do so knowing that they are in a safe environment and that I have taken the time to educate myself. What concerns me is that somehow, you need to find a way to make it work for yourself AND have the relationship you want to have AND that you are safe and your girlfriend is safe, whether she knows about it or not.
Resolve your issues and then if you have something to confess, you may confess.
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