How to get into BDSM?

Expert: Sharina Nicole

Question
Hi,

My question relates to getting into BDSM if your new to the concept, and have no clue on how to meet people.

Im 18, and a submissive ..
but I dont know how to meet people who like the same things i do, and its gotten to the point of not wanting to be in a relationship with anyone anymore due to not getting what i want ..

help?
please?

Answer
Red,

I have a few avenues for you to explore. First, welcome! It's a more interesting world when it's filled with kink and fetish...

I have a few web sites for you to explore. The fetish Scene web site has lots of links to groups and clubs in your area. Just make sure that they accept those 18 and over.

http://www.fetishscene.com/fetishscene/cgi/category.cgi?category=/a-canada&start...

http://www.ehbc.ca/groups

Fetlife is a web site I highly recommend. It is a way for you to explore like-minded people in your area. It is also a way for you to ask questions and explore your kink by making conversation in threads that are posted. If anything, you don't have to contribute, you could just read them, or ask questions that are weighing heavy on your mind. You may hook up with people your own age in your area who will know what groups or munches to go to.

You may find me on Fetlife under SharinaNicole: http://fetlife.com/users/130977

When you meet people online, it's easy to communicate and form a relationship. Remember, be careful if you meet someone in person. Make sure you make "safe calls" when having a meeting, even if the meeting doesn't consist of any play. Call your person on the outside, tell them you have arrived. Do it in front of the person you are meeting. When you are finished, call your safe person again and tell them you are leaving. (Do this in private) Call them again once you are at your destination safely, which would be home and make sure the person you met isn't following you.

No paranoia here, just being safe, which LOTS of folks do when they meet a new person no matter how old they are. It's just smart.

If you go to a group gathering, you will meet some nice people and then it will be easy to form some healthy relationships in BDSM. But, remember: people are people, no matter what the common interests are, AND it only makes it that much more risky, when the activities involve taking your clothes off and identifying as submissive.

I wish you much luck, and please keep me posted!

M Sharina Nicole 

New FemDomme with experienced sub

Expert: Sharina Nicole

Question
Hi.

I am new to the BDSM world.  I met a guy who I am crazy about.  He has been into this for about 15 years.  I have always been more adventurous and so I see this as opening a whole new world of excitement for me.  I'm just nervous because he is a sub and wants me to replace his current domme.  We've talked about his limits (he has practically none) and he says I can ask him anything.  But I don't want to keep asking him questions and ruin all the fun for him.  I've been doing research, and there's just so much out there.  I realize that this will be a very general question, but I am wondering if you have any advice for a new domme who doesn't want to disappoint her experienced sub.

Answer
Michelle,

First of all, your guy is VERY LUCKY to have found you! I can't even begin to tell you how many people (mostly men) are out there who must keep their kink a secret because they can't get their loved one into it AT ALL. So, very cool that you are open to it.

I also want to encourage you not feel as if you need to be in a place, where you're not right now, in terms of experience. Enjoy where you're at with it, and look at it as a way to explore something new together. Besides finding where your interests may lie, you are in the perfect place and will find the perfect groove with your guy.

As a professional dominatrix, my interests began with the Internet. I would say I swerved into domination and once there, it opened doors that made life interesting AND sex very interesting! To be clear, I do not engage in sex with people professionally, but I have been able to incorporate some sado-masochistic play in my sex with the right people.

Over the years, I have learned A LOT from the people I played with. I knew that I was interested in it, I knew that I would be good at it, but I just needed to explore how to do it in real life because as I said, I was on the Internet and totally into cyber domination.

I would suggest you begin by asking your (sub) what he loves. As he speaks, take notes. Ask him why he loves certain things. If he says, "I love heavy corporal punishment". Ask him, what kinds of corporal punishment and what is it about THAT kind of pain that really get's him off. Then, learn about it through him as well as the Internet or the written word.

Great site: http://gloria-brame.com/

The more information, the better. Get to know him as the aspiring domme that you are!

Two other things I know will help you immensely. It would be wise for you to get him a collar. Find one that strikes your fancy, but make sure it has a lock. It can be made of leather, but sometimes the more simplistic collars are the best. A simple chain that has a simple hardware lock on it is nice and will denote two things: OWNERSHIP and OBEDIENCE. The other important thing about the collar, is that it will separate your regular time together, from playtime. This is important, because unless you want your entire relationship to be about domination, it is nice to have something (like the collar) that will signify a different dynamic in your relationship. AND, it isn't something that will be pressuring you to perform per se' especially if you are not in the mood.


The second thing that will prove very useful and informative (whether he will be a slave or submissive)is something that I do with all important slaves. I have them obtain a new journal. It may be their choosing to find one that is characteristic of their own taste, HOWEVER, the journal they will be writing in DOES NOT belong to them. It will belong to YOU, his Mistress. Tell him how often he will be writing (say a minimum of 2 times a week) In this journal will include his thoughts (unfiltered) about sessions you have done with him and anything else that may happen during your play. It will be eye opening for you both. When he reaches the end of the journal, he may present it to you. The first page should say something like: Dedicated to my Mistress Michelle, Property of Mistress Michelle. I have always enjoyed having my submissive or slave at my feet while I read through their slowly evolving journal.


Join some groups in your area, and go to some "munches". Conventions are also a great avenue for exploring and learning about kink. Thunder in the Mountains is one of the best! Here is a great link to the fetish scene: http://www.fetishscene.com/fetishscene/cgi/main.cgi

Think about being a "bottom" to someone. A "bottom" is someone who is being played with by a "Top". One who is not submissive, or a slave, but one who allows someone to play with them. Find out how it feels to be played with within the boundaries of your limits. It is a MUST to know what certain things feel like even if it is on a lower scale pain-wise.

A great place to go is Amazon.com. Lots of books on the subject. Here are two links to two great books: SM 101, by Jay Wiseman. Also, Screw the Roses, Send me the Thorns, by Philip Miller and Molly Devone.

Another great book I recommend: When Someone You Love is Kinky, by Dossie Easton and Catherine A. Liszt

One GREAT web site I HIGHLY recommend: www.Fetlife.com Find my profile here: http://fetlife.com/users/130977

There, you will find like-minded people and be able to explore ALL subjects kinky and S/m related. You will love it! You will also be able to find events and groups in your area, plus you can ask questions to those more experienced.

Remember, use all your resources AND most importantly, there will be no other domme like YOU. Trust yourself and what unfolds in your own personal journey into Domination and submission.

Keep me posted!

In Sisterhood,

M Sharina 

caned by wife

Expert: Sharina Nicole

Question
Hi,
i have been married for 3 years and would love my wife to take charge @ home, i really feel the need for her to cane me and keep me naked all the time @ home, i want her to make me help with all the housework ect. i want her to cane me for punishment and also sexual gratification i want her to leave welts on me and also have me shaved all the time, have her put me over a chair in the lounge or over the kitchen table and cane me,i also want her to feed me my own cum and masterbate in front of her on command, i have suggested this to her but she dosent seem instrested, i feel like it will enhance our relationship and build a stronger bond between us, if she takes control and canes me for stepping out of line. please advise on any suggestions. thank you

Answer
john,

This is a difficult question to answer for several reasons, but I will give you some suggestions that will help you. First john, you have been married for 3 years and in terms of a traditional marriage where you live, women on the most part tend to be subservient to their husbands. If your wife is different than this, if she takes charge in certain aspects of your relationship, if she appears to be more dominant than submissive, there may be some hope for you.

It is not impossible to guide a woman to be your dominant, but often times what is missing is the energy that is exchanged between two people which makes the experience exquisite. If a woman is geared this way, she will enjoy her new found kink. If not, if she shy's away from it like entering a burning building, chances are you will never be able to guide her in that direction. She may accuse you of being a pervert and deranged. The other thing that comes into play are religious practices. Some women would never want to put themselves into this type of a scenario, because it goes against the grain of what they have been taught.

So I think the thing to ask here, is "how OPEN to your kink do you think your wife might be"? If you see the door open a crack, you will know how to proceed, if the door is shut, maybe there is still hope. But if the door is locked and bolted, you may have to find another way of experiencing your kink. Then I might suggest a professional dominatrix in your area.

If you think she may be open, introduce things slowly and with humor. Make love to her and after languishing in bed together with you in her arms, say, "I enjoy what we have so much, you are such a Queen to me". She may not think anything of it at the time, but she may think, "Yes, I can picture myself being my husband's Queen". (Oh look, the door is opening wider)

You continue connecting to your wife. You treat her like a queen, you open her doors, you ask if there is anything she needs, you rub her feet while she sits in a chair and you are on the floor. Maybe you kiss her toe, but only once. You get her used to feeling like a Queen. You introduce very slowly, some basic concepts. Once you see how she is accepting being treated as such, it will help in setting the context for moving forward.

You can't pour your heart out to your wife and say, "Honey, I want to be your slave and I want to worship you and I want you to beat me with a cane"! This would be too much. To use a metaphor, she is just like a new born baby. You wouldn't give your baby steak, right? The baby has no teeth. But you would give the baby some soft, sweet, mashed up bananas...

You GET TO lay all the ground work. This will take time and effort on your part, but you are grooming her for something bigger and more rewarding. Who knows how much time it may take, but if you don't go slow, chances are, she will be turned off and never want to talk about it again AND she will know your secret and that may change the dynamics of your relationship altogether.

There is a book I want you to read. It's called, "When Someone You Love is Kinky" written by marriage and family counselor Dossie Easton and writer/educator Catherine A. Liszt. When Someone You Love Is Kinky to help "non-kinky" folks understand and communicate with their kinky friends, partners, and relatives. Included are guidelines for dealing with the emotional turmoil of the coming-out process; brief and non-threatening descriptions of the commonest kinks (and ideas about why people enjoy them); suggestions for how to talk to your kinky friend or relative in ways that promote good communication; explanation of how kinky people keep themselves safe while exploring diverse sexualities; a glossary of commonly used terminology from the kink communities; a resource guide to help the reader find further information and support. I think this book will help you (on your side of things) to understand how your wife may feel and then in tern what it is she may be reading someday. Find it on Amazon: http://www.amazon.com/When-Someone-You-Love-Kinky/dp/1890159239/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UT...

Please keep me posted with your progress especially if you have any other questions along the way!

I wish you much luck in opening up a whole new dimension in your marriage.

M Sharina 

love with urine

Expert: Sharina Nicole

QUESTION:

I am 22 unmarried female. I am very much confused that what is happening to me and why. Case is like that,

Tow months before my sis was hospitalized for scissor-in as she was having twins. I was her attendant. While sitting in front of her the urine filled plastic bag under her bed was in the common sight and it was regularly being observed to check any change in color. After two days of her discharge from the hospital while we were at home I dreamt something unusual. In my dream I was a member of a mystical group, lying on the floor and many men were pissing over my naked body and that time I was so much sexually aroused that when I wake suddenly I found my panty wet with mucus. That time I was confused that I never think of it in my life consciously but then why I dreamt something like that.

Next day I discussed my dream with my friend and we both reached to a conclusion that during 5 days in hospital I saw the urine of my sister so their might be some connection between that and the dream but that night again I dreamt that my friend is having sex with her BF, I am standing over her mouth and showering my urine over her. I wake up at midnight and start playing with clit. I realize that while doing that I was fantasizing my dream and it was very pleasurable. 
Last night I was alone at home and was enjoying TV with beer. Surfing the channels I tuned to Man Vs Wild. In that episode the man collects his urine in the bottle and tells us that “you can drink your urine”. As I was drinking beer so my bladder was full of urine and the alcoholic effect of beer was pushing my inhibitions pack and was pulling my fantasies ahead. Watching him drinking his urine I found a rush in my blood and I decided to enjoy my privacy, intoxication and mood. I found I was excited and ready to drink my urine. I went in the bathroom, lied in the bath tub, started playing with my body and fantasized my dream. Than I collected my urine in the mug and took a little in my mouth. Although I could not drink it but its taste was great than I poured it slowly over my face and whole body. I found I really enjoyed its taste, smell and the whole act.

Dr. I want to know..

1- Why my mind and body accepting all this while I never thought of it consciously ever before?

2- What is happening to me and why?

3- Is there something abnormal with my mind?

Eagerly waiting for your reply

Aminda

Answer:

Aminda,

The things we dream can be a very small part of our own reality in many ways, AND it is a safe way to explore things that are only in the mind...for now. Being with your sister in the hospital triggered a thought process in your mind that lead to dreams in your unconscious mind. Your new thoughts turned you on and aroused a part of you, you never thought you had. If it was being turned on about something else, but more on the normal and mainstream side, you wouldn't have given it a second thought. You would have thought, "Oh, I guess I am turned on by hospital sheets"! But since it is something that is considered taboo in society (mainstream society) it is easy to worry about this new found kink being dangerous or wrong.

So there are two things that are important here:

First, I want to tell you that there is nothing wrong with you or abnormal about you. You are still the same person you are and always will be, you have just discovered you have a kink! I have played with lots of people over the years and read stories about what is referred to as "golden showers" or "golden cocktail". AND, years ago, I attended a seminar at one of the conventions I went to on (you guessed it) PISS PLAY! I not only found out that there are many different ways to do it, but there are different kinds of piss people like, and depending on what you eat, you can make your piss light and almost tasteless to your piss being very strong tasting. People like it for all different reasons too. The feel of the warm piss as it covers you can be a turn on for sure...the taste of it in your mouth, and a kind of "communion" or intimacy between a Dominant and her submissive. The fact that it is viewed as a taboo, is also a turn on.


Secondly, I want to tell you that piss play (urine play) is SAFE. Your urine is sterile until it reaches the air OR touches something outside the vagina or penis that is not sterile.


Enjoy your new found kink! It certainly makes life more interesting. If you share it with someone, test the waters first, by mentioning that you read something on the Internet you found different and what do they think about it. That way you won't have to expose yourself unnecessarily. In the meantime, allow yourself the freedom to explore...

Keep me posted!

M Sharina