If it's your first time or the next time trying to contact a dominatrix, making the best connection you can possibly have with a Femdom is VERY important. No easy task, right? I wrote this guide for your success, so no matter who you end up seeing, things will go smoothly. Prepare yourself, this will make it sooooo much easier! M Sharina

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A How-to Guide for Contacting a Dominatrix Femdom Mistress or Domina

By Dominatrix Mistress Sharina Nicole

 

INITIAL CONTACT

When contacting any Femdom  there are basically two acceptable ways to ease the transition from initial contact to a real time session appointment. The process is relatively painless, although it is important to know a few things before you begin.

DO YOUR RESEARCH ON YOUR DOMME

First thing, READ her website thoroughly. Not just to see what her protocol is, but to see what kind of dominant she is and what her specialties are. When you speak with her, all the pieces will fit together (or not).

REMEMBER

This is not only to properly demonstrate respect to a new Femdom Mistress, but also to see if this is someone YOU would enjoy seeing.
After you've gone through her website and spoken to her directly, you will be able to make an educated decision, and so will she.

METHODS OF CONTACT

EMAIL: The Basics
Be brief, be concise. Too many people use terms that lead a Femdom to believe you are looking to "chat", "kick tires" or generate a back and forth with a bevy of questions that leads to nowhere.

DO NOT put your email in the subject line with the body of the letter blank.

DO NOT send one liners. "Busy?" "Can I book an appointment today?" "How much?" "Can you call/text me ASAP?" "Do you do bondage sessions?" If you ask questions that can be answered from her website, but you didn't take the time to read it, she will immediately find you annoying. It shows disrespect to her to send a one-liner and more than likely you won't get a reply.

DO build a rapport, do not destroy it in one email.

 

INITIAL EMAIL CONTACT

Send an initial email with something in the subject line. Do not leave it blank because you couldn't be bothered. Appropriate would be, "Appointment Request," or "Inquiry." This will set the context to start the ball rolling in order to have a first time appointment with a new Femdom.

Keep it simple and generalized. In the body of your letter include your name and phone number with best times to call. State in a word or two your overall interest to give a basic understanding of the session you are interested in. Know that many things can go into a session no matter the overall interest. You do not need to list every single thing you're interested in or open to. This may be discussed later after the initial contact. For example, I am interested in "Heavy Bondage," "Sissification," "Corporal Punishment," "Medical/MedFet," etc. This always includes many other interests. Your potential Mistress should ask questions and be interested in these things as well. Anything that needs to be elaborated on, you may do so over the phone.

DO NOT ATTACH NUDE PICS OF YOURSELF.

NOTE: To a certain degree most Femdoms are therapists. The good ones really want to know some of your history or why you might have a fantasy. If you want to spend some time discussing it, it is not out of the ordinary for her to attach a fee. She doesn't know you yet, and even if she does, you SHOULD be paying for her time. She is providing you with a unique experience, all with her knowledge and expertise and for her to delve deep, she should be compensated. She does not know at any given time if you are going to follow up with an actual appointment or get your needs met and disappear.

DO NOT send your fantasy or how you'd like your session to play out. (i.e a scripted interaction such as, "You walk in the room in black leather, low cut top and catch me in the act of...") It is very bad form and off putting to assume a potential Femdom will want to read your detailed fantasy in an initial email. Don't include it, wait for her to show interest and then ask permission to send her a concise description of it. (Concise) She may prefer an outline just for the sake of understanding it.

You may articulate it over the phone, but only in a generalized way. ("I'm a TV repair man, later you find me rifling through your panties. Punishment and crossdressing ensue.") You may suggest you send her an embellished BUT basic theme so she may read it at her leisure. If she has any questions, she will ask. If your scenario is longer than approximately 30 words, give or take a basic and short paragraph, and it is important for you to have her read your fantasy with feedback, set it up in advance (with her) to send her a gift card or a monetary tribute for her time. She will tell you what her protocol is for this and what the offering should be. Keep in mind, a Femdom will not appreciate a script.

DO make sure you keep it simple. Unless she states what she does want elaborated on in the email. Keep the information pertinent to your end result, which is a phone call and then an appointment. The more concise you are, the more respectful and the likelihood she will read it and you will take the next step.

GO THE EXTRA MILE means you punctuate, proof read and make sure you begin with, "Her Name," then the body of your letter, then, "Thank You, or Respectfully" and then your name.

PHONE CONTACT

Chances are, a Femdom will not answer the phone and you'll need to leave a message. If you need to leave a voicemail, make it a GOOD first impression because "you'll never get another chance to make a good first impression, as the saying goes. This is the TRUTH.

FIRST, think about what you want to say in your voicemail before you call in the event you'll need to leave a message.Think about your voice and how you want it to sound. Drink water, it will  calm you. The brain is made up of about 80% water and water gives the brain energy to function.

DO write it down if you must before calling. In fact I'd recommend it because even if she answers the phone, you'll be prepared. First time impressions ARE important

DO NOT sound tired, drunk or authoritative. She will not mind if you sound nervous, it is expected. Do Not sound like you are initiating a "hook-up."  (i.e I'm drug and disease free, 6' and pretty good lookin' and well endowed.) She will never want to hook up with you and she will not call you back.

DO NOT EVER say you're looking to be a slave in service. Translation, "I'm looking for free sessions." Major turn off. She doesn't care, is not interested and will not call you back. Trust me. Being HER slave in any capacity is something you get to EARN, and it takes time.

REMEMBER: A domination session involves skilled BDSM play and is surrounded in fantasy and theater.
Domination is not prostitution. No sex, no exchange of bodily fluids.

 

YOUR VOICEMAIL MESSAGE

Step 1: "Hi Mistress ______ (her name as she prefers to be called from her website, so do your research.) "My name is Sam and I am interested in a session with you. I have experience. " (very little experience, or no experience, etc.)

Step 2: My phone number is area code XXX-XXX-XXXX   Include the time zone IF applicable, i.e CST with hours ahead or behind. This is thoughtful. "I'm calling from the East coast so I am one hour ahead of your time zone.

Step 3: My availability for a call back would be (use days and times with blocks of time being preferable as opposed to say, the next 10 minutes or the next hour.) 
Example: "Please call me between 1 and 5 PM Central Standard Time, which is your time zone, or between 2 and 6 Eastern Standard Time which is my time".

DO NOT mention what you're interests are over the phone when leaving a voice mail. She knows why you're calling. This is not the time to do it. Wait for an invitation for the next steps after she's contacted you back.

 

PHONE CONVERSATION:

When you do speak directly with a Femdom, tell her what you are open to/interested in and state any medical issues (high blood pressure, neck, shoulder, standing, kneeling limits, etc.) State limits keeping in mind it's better to state what you ARE interested in, rather than what you're NOT interested in. (i.e pain limits, MARKS, nipple sensitivity, claustrophobia, things like that.) She isn't going to poke you with needles, brand you, cut your skin, piss on you without negotiating play, etc, because the rule all REPUTABLE Dominants follow is to play SSC "Safe, Sane and Consensual." So be clear and concise in your communications with INTERESTS and LIMITS.

 

ALERT

If you run into a Femdom who does not have any protocol, be cautious. The idea that you would not be vetted in some way or actually be required to have an actual phone conversation is rare, and a red flag, but it does happen. If you book your appointment by email or text only, BEWARE. The chances of you having the kind of appointment you're really looking for (or any appointment at all) it may not happen with little communication NO MATTER WHAT her website leads you to believe. It is unfortunately possible to run into a scam Mistress, or one who will take your deposit or tribute and do very little to nothing for it. Plus, how can you get a good understanding from a potential dominant if you don't speak to her over the phone? You CAN NOT. People sound differently from how they write and what they want you to believe.

DO follow her lead.

DO NOT try to keep her chatting or use her for the purpose of what "Nite Flirt" is for without paying for her time, therefore wasting it. Not ok.

REMEMBER: Femdoms communicate with A LOT of people. Be respectful of her time and follow my guide.

TRIBUTE:

The tribute denotes consensual time together. A reputable dominant skilled in the art of Domination and submission, (D/s) BDSM, (Bondage, Discipline, Sadism-Sado-Masochism) and knowledgeable in Fetishes is not going to have sex with you. This is not what she is interested in doing. Some escorts do a little spanky spanky or bondage, but the context there is sex. A DOMINATRIX works exclusively in the Arts of Domination, submission, kink and fetishism.

Some Femdoms do not post their tribute on their website. They choose to include it in the information they give you during the phone interview.

DO NOT NEGOTIATE her tribute EVER. She has given it much thought and more than likely it is the going rate for her Country, State or City. Even if her tribute is outrageous, to try and negotiate is insulting. There is no reason for her to want to accommodate your needs.

DO NOT tell her what your financial troubles are. She expects you to be an adult, and if you must, save up. She will be flattered by your honesty, but not your financial woes. Everyone has them to some extent.

WARNINGS and SCAMS

APPLICATION FEE
Essentially, this is a junk "fee." A "junk fee" is an ILLEGITIMATE charge to bilk someone out of their money and I DO NOT believe in it. You should never be required to PAY someone just to APPLY for a session.

Why should you have to pay just to "fill out an application?"

Now if she is a reputable Femdom, has been around for a while, has reviews (not just on her site) but reviews on sites like The Erotic Review (TER) or Max Fisch it is an indication she is viable and reliable. I hate to mention this, but some Femdoms write their own reviews and you can tell.

POTENTIAL SCAM
If a Femdom does not want to talk to you on the phone with texting only, it may be a SCAM. Why? Because the Femdom may not be a Femdom at all. This person (male or female) may be scamming you to send money.

POTENTIAL SCAM
They want you to get a "slave registration number" but want you to send them the fee.

POTENTIAL SCAM
A Femdom will never contact you on social media. Plenty of scammers will harvest pictures from notable Femdoms. It has happened to all of us at one time or another. People "catfishing" with real pictures to use them to lure someone into paying them money.

Some Femdoms will require a deposit or half the tribute in advance, but only after an appointment is scheduled. A deposit is reasonable to secure your scheduled appointment. Your deposit will have rules to be refundable, but most likely it is NON REFUNDABLE. The deposit should go TOWARDS your appointment. A simple deposit for a regular 1 to 2 hour session is reasonable, say 50 to 100, but for an extended session, the requirement may be 50% or to be a tribute in its entirety before the session date.

If you have consequently lost all credibility with her by being unreliable in some way, she will require the tribute to be sent to her in advance of your appointment, and that is if she'll even see you.

APPOINTMENT SET

Once an appointment is set in stone, follow her directions. Send your deposit promptly if this is a requirement. Go the extra mile and if it is not requested already, DO confirm by email and/or phone by saying you are confirming your appointment for tomorrow or the day of, and if she needs to contact you for any reason, leave your phone number. Example, " This is Sam, I wanted to let you know I am confirming our meeting for tomorrow at 2 PM for a 2 hour session. If you need to reach me for any reason, you may call or text me at XXX-XXX-XXXX. Thank you Mistress, I look very much forward to seeing you.

DO NOT use that time to confirm your appointment, by giving her a longer list of requests and what more you'd like her to do to you in the session.That should have already been addressed and this is what your notes in preparation are for before your phone interview.

 

PREPARING FOR THE SESSION

SHAVING / MANSCAPING

Physically: Shower, groom and shave. If it is possible for you to shave, trim and coif, this is a plus. Make an appointment with an Esthetician or do it yourself. An esthetician will use a waxing process which lasts more than shaving. I do not know of any wife or partner who wants to play with a hairy mess, so there's that. Women in general are appreciative of a man who grooms. Hair does not get caught in devices and can also remind you why you are doing it. You are doing it for a woman no matter what her title is. But it's more than that. It makes your skin feel more sensitive daily. It also reminds you of your place and dedication whether it's to a partner or a Femdom.

At the VERY LEAST trim.

 

ENEMA

Cleansing is important, but it is also a plus to be mentally prepared. This means clean on the inside as well as the outside especially if it is pertinent to your session.

I RECOMMEND an enema. You will be cleansed, ENERGIZED, and feel great in preparation for your session.

 

BASIC HOW-TO ENEMA

Enemas are easy. You are introducing warm water (distilled preferably) or a mild mixture of gentle soap, about a teaspoon (Dr. Bronners liquid Castile soap) to warm water to your colon. A teaspoon or so of glycerin helps with moisture. I'd  say prepare in the bathroom especially if you are new to it. Best position is lying down on your LEFT side, right leg up and knee on the floor. Pillow behind your head. You may also try to be on your back with knees all the way up. Hands and knees is relatively easy too. Find your preference. Slide the lubricated enema nozzle in. Do not force. Go in about 5 or 6 cm. If you feel resistance, back out a bit. The enema can take up to 5 to 10 minutes to introduce depending on how much water. You'll want to hold it in for a bit before expelling. Take your time with expelling your enema. The more water, the longer it takes. Stand up, walk around, you may feel the urge to evacuate. The more water you introduce, the more time it will take.

I do not recommend chemical enemas like a fleet. If you need a simple enema administrator, you can buy a fleet, empty the contents and add warm water and if you like, because the bottle is small, add only the tiniest amount of Castile gentle liquid soap with the water. Say a quarter teaspoon. You may repeat this process until clean water is expelled.

Remember to replace the water you lose through enemas by drinking room temperature water.

 

GROOMING

DO make your breath fresh with mouthwash or a mint. Some people eat things that linger (garlic, onions, Indian food, etc) For others, unbeknownst to them, their gut is not well and there is a sour smell wafting that they are unaware of. Any kind of smoking also lingers on the breath, skin and clothing. Make sure your breath is as nice as possible. I've had to dodge the breath of someone who forcefully breathes out during a session.

DO use a deodorant with NO PERFUME. I recommend salt stick or salt spray. It is all natural and you will find it in some regular stores and health food stores. It works like a dream, very natural (no aluminum) and no scent.

 

SHOWERING / BATHING

If your session is at a time that makes it inconvenient to shower beforehand, ask your Mistress if it is possible for you to shower right before the session in her studio. Most play spaces have shower facilities. If not, a quickie under the arms in the bathroom may be just the thing to lightly freshen up.

DO NOT wear ANY cologne or you may be required to shower before she plays with you, or she may not want to use her leather equipment on you for fear it will smell like Jean Paul Gaultier. Perfumes and colognes are very distracting and annoying especially when they linger.

SUSTENANCE (EATING HABITS)

Even if your session is not painful, you may feel light-headed from nerves or an endorphin high.

DO have something light to eat before your session. It is also important to hydrate.  

Bring a bottle of water for after the session or during the session if the Mistress does not offer it.

 

GIFTS AND GESTURES

It is a nice touch to bring a gift. Is it necessary? In short, not really. It is a thoughtful gesture. If you want to do something nice for your new Femdom Mistress, read her website to see her preferences. Don't assume flowers and candy or alcohol will be appreciated. She may be allergic to flowers, dislikes the scent, has a special diet or does not drink alcohol. So, if she does not have gift preferences and you want to bring her a gift, a nondescript gift card is perfect. (i.e Visa)

A nice gesture that shows respect is to bring her a Thank You card. A note that says, "Thank you for seeing me today Mistress X." She will appreciate this. It's the details and little touches that make all the difference.

 

NOTES OF APPRECIATION

Many years ago, it was about 2016 I began saving thank you notes I had received in a folder. I enjoyed reading them very much. As my website grew, I decided to make a page for these 'love letters." I loved them because I never solicited any of them, they just appeared in my Inbox.

There is a misnomer that to send a "Thank You" note is "polite." This is not a reason to send one.

 

AFTER THE APPOINTMENT

Ask yourself:
Was the interaction and connection with the Femdom one that affected you uniquely, like she really adhered to your interests and limits.

Would you see her again?
Was the experience memorable?
Did she apply her uniqueness and skill in a way that helped transform you?

Is her website truly representative of who she is in a session or are all the words just selling you for a visit?

You may encounter Dominatrices as well as findoms who work with people, and may have a sense of integrity and caring. These are often professionals who have earned a good name, and status.

To write a public review that is false or unearned for someone NOT of this caliber, does a dis-service to all.

Do not feel an obligation especially if your experience is less than stellar.

 

NOTE:

If you have a memorable interaction with a Femdom Mistress, send a note of gratitude or thanks, it will strengthen your connection to her. Don't feel obligated. These coveted thank you's are EARNED (like gold), and should never be SOLICITED FROM YOU.

A WORD ABOUT "FINDOM"

A word about "Financial Domination." This is a different kind of cat, but it does exist in the arena of domination and submission. It doesn't mew or meow, it roars and snarls. It can be thrilling for some, and is a unique form of domination.
The context, sincere or just for play, is to "drain you financially." It's a bit of a game, but make sure you understand what each Fin Dom expects and make sure this is what you are seeking. You don't want to end up in "Gambler's Anonymous."

Some Findoms enjoy getting off on draining you financially, and what's not to love? But there are also what I'd call "pan handling Dominatrices" who always have their hand out, always nudging you for a gift, a tip or even what's called, "reimbursement opportunities." If you like this sort of exchange, go for it, but be very careful.

 

LEAVE A GOOD IMPRESSION

If you use the bathroom or are offered a shower before or after your session, be respectful.

DO put the toilet seat down, although a requirement for some Femdoms is to have you sit, not stand to urinate. If you have a PA piercing, you already know standing is not an option unless you'd like to be a sprinkler system. Wash your hands, and leave the hand towels the way you found them. If you shower, ask where to leave your used towel.

DO NOT EVER say goodbye by "making a pass", or being flirty or crass. End your time together on a positive note. Saying things like "Bye girly girl," "Thank you young lady," or heaven forbid, go in for a kiss on the face ANYWHERE! She should not have to turn her face as you go in to kiss her lips! This is not acceptable and are not ways to ever address your Femdom Mistress before hitting the road. If you are inclined to ask for a simple embrace, ask, or a "May I kiss your hand?" She may extend her hand, or will give you a warm embrace. This is not the time to reach around and feel her ass. All very bad form to be sure, and just because this exchange involves consensual kink with a tribute, you may take NO LIBERTIES. It's a good way to not be allowed to come back again.

 

REMEMBER

When you see a new Femdom Mistress, not only do you want the session to go well, but SHE wants it to go well too. So, follow my guide, use good protocol, be honorable and respectful, leave a great impression, because its VERY important with the possibility of any future sessions.

Follow my guide and you will have a 100% success rate in the best rapport possible with a professional Dominatrix.

This article is a COPYRIGHT of my own original writing. Share it by using this link: 

https://sharinanicole.com/bdsm-domination-sessions/contacting-a-dominatrix-a-how-to-guide-for-contacting-a-dominatrix-femdom-mistress-or-domina#how-to-guide

Please credit me, the author: Mistress Sharina Nicole

Thank you

M Sharina Nicole

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