Expert: Sharina Nicole

Question
Hello Mistress Sharina Nicole,

 My name is Dan. I would like to find out how to properly email people for potentially playing with them. What information should i include, and is there a certain way to do this? i hope my question is clear enough for you. thank you. i look forward to your reply.

 Sincerely and submissively yours,

 dan




Answer
Hi Dan,

 Would you be referring to communication with people generated from web sites that are BDSM oriented?

 Actually, when viewing profiles on such sites as Fetlife.com, Alt.com, or collarme.com, there is a bevy of information from which to strike questions from. I can give you some basic guidelines as to what to look for in others and how to communicate.

 First, in reading someone's profile, of course you are going to look for common interests. From those common interests you may ask pertinent questions. If someone states that they are naturally dominant, ask them what they love about being dominant. If they say they are into bondage, ask them how they became interested in bondage. Normally, THAT is the thing that will lead them to a fond memory, and they will want to communicate an answer to your question. Add that you have been into being tied up since you were...you get the idea.

 If you are serious about real time play, share several E-mails back and forth and then try a phone call. Ask if they would be open to chatting BRIEFLY over the phone. After that, go for a meeting in person.

 I would suggest you stay away from instant online messaging back and forth, because lots of people enjoy doing only that, and that's all they're really interested in doing and if you're not, it is just a waste of time. If that's what you are interested in (cyber) then go for it. But if you desire something else, start with a few E-mails, a phone call and then coffee.

 Your profile should read clear, detailed, open and POSITIVE forms of communication AND you will also be looking for the same in other profiles. The way people describe themselves or what they put out there in the written word is very telling. Things that are self deprecating are normally from those who have low self esteem, they lack self confidence and their lives aren't working. I don't care if someone is into humiliating someone or they are the one that enjoys being humiliated, you still want to communicate with people who operate out of the basis that life works, and over here is your S/m lifestyle and that is groovy too.

 Phrases like, "I'm not looking for...", "don't even bother...", or "...then go elsewhere" or "I'm not here for..."is not going to attract anything in return but the same negativity.

 By the way, NEVER and I repeat NEVER send anyone money. I know it sounds obvious, but in the last several years, I have found a few people who have done just that and been burned. They knew it was stupid, but they did it anyway. Don't do it.

 I love reading profiles that tell me that a person is open to the possibilities of life, is honest about what they are looking for, states ONLY what they ARE looking for and someone I see is on the same page with me. Positives attract positives. That's a fact.

 Okay, NOW in responding to the right profiles by way of E-mail, you will know how to E-mail someone you may be interested in. Be positive, keep it simple and sweet in the beginning and a sense of humor wouldn't hurt either. Women appreciate a man who has a good sense of humor whether she is searching for a slave or a life partner.

 When E-mailing, always begin your E-mail with whom you are addressing it too. Also note how the person you want to communicate with identifies, so you may address the E-mail as such. Example, I enjoy it when I am addressed by someone I don't know as "Mistress Sharina Nicole". (Thank you Dan, see how you are already in the swing of things?) AND, always sign your name with a: "Respectfully", "Thank you for reading my E-mail", things like that and then your name. You will definitely make the point that you are respectful, cultured and someone who deserves communication in return.

 Now the form of your letter should begin with something like: I was reading your very interesting profile and see that you are into...(add your interest here) If you don't mind, I would like to ask you a question about that if I may. When you give an adoring comment such as "I was reading your very interesting profile" to someone, anyone, they are more likely to read your entire E-mail, AND, they are more likely to respond. Over the years, I have had many people endear themselves to me simply because they adored me first. They didn't over-flatter, they weren't transparently trying to kiss my behind,  but what they did do was form a rapport. Rapport is very important in forming a connection. It's like when you read a story in the newspaper, or begin reading a book, you always read the "hook" first. It's the "come hither" meat of the story so you read more. It is the first thing that get's a person interested in the first place.

 Next, and I would advise that you do this on the phone rather than in E-mail form, but you will want to fully understand what a person's redlines or limits are. This is very important in negotiating play with someone you have never played with before. Dominant or submissive, you always want to be sure you are on the same page before you play. As a submissive, you certainly wouldn't want to be bound and gagged and caned unless that is what you really wanted and even still, you would want your dominant to provide you with a safe word or safe action.

 Also remember this Dan: If it isn't meant to be, it won't happen no matter what you communicate to someone or how you communicate with them. If it's meant to be, it will flow. There is a lot to be said about the flow of life. Ever go after a job and want it so bad you could crack crab with your bare hands? In looking back, if you didn't get the job, whether you see it or not, it was always for your optimal learning AND for the best. Whenever there is resistance, move in another direction, know that it is perfect and follow THAT path...your rewards will be many and you will cut through to the path that is perfectly planned just for you.

 It's all good, please keep me posted!

 M Sharina