lost control: new to lifestyle

Expert: Sharina Nicole

Question
I've been in this relationship for 4 months now and she wants me to dominate her and make her my sub/slave. I'm a dom but I've never had a sub before this is my first. I've been waiting for the right one and finally found her. only thing i was kinda stupid in the beginning and because i had tried to break someone from a past relationship who had said she was a sub and turned out she had been exaggerating and almost shot me. so when this special one told me she was a sub i didn't believe her (I know stupid please spare the lecture i know is coming my way i get how stupid i was# so i didn't want to attempt to break her and lose her if she was also just exaggerating, so i waited to make sure she was serious #like i said shes one of the rare ones# only i don't know what happened. i like spaced out in my head lost control of the situation. i got my head back but I'm afraid it might be too late, because i was out for so long she kept trying to tell me what she wanted without flat out telling me what to do and how to break her until last week when she gave up and told all. and she's told me that she wants me to be her dom and take back control because she really doesn't want it and me not having control makes her uncomfortable but she cant take me seriously as her dom because I've been acting almost like the sub afraid of scaring her off too soon and not getting the chance to break her and make her mine at all. she told me yesterday that she's worried i won't be able to break her and get her to take me seriously because she had to tell me how to break her so she knows what to expect and that takes away the fear of whats going to happen. I've been stupid i really love her and there is no other sub i want I'm not that type of dom. shes it so i really need help with advice on ways to break her so she doesn't know whats coming and also take back control. I've never
done this before. please help. the only other experience with a girl that claimed to be a sub i have that may help explain the mental block i was having is my ex-fiance who was really now that i look back on it a dominant masochist who told me what to do to her like cutting her with scalpels when i wasn't actually comfortable doing this basically i allowed her to psychologically manipulate me into becoming her sub only she forced me beyond my limits and claimed sub status. #i know i was stupid there too but I'm tired of being stupid and i want the control back so i can stop upsetting my sub and making her uncomfortable being my sub# please help me ASAP!!! much appreciated...

Vladimir B

P.S. i just thought of something that is probably important for the proper advice to be given... she has never been with another dom before. she has less experience then i do so i don't want to do something she can't handle. but she has a super high pain tolerance for a beginner #abusive parents#, and she doesn't know everything she can handle. She has always had a bondage and masochistic fetishes since childhood just never met anyone she trusted to share that with #she comes from one of those rich stuck up families who disowned her for the last four years and is just now some of them starting to talk to her again because she had wanted to meet her biological sister when she was 19, and the kind of family who would look down on her as basically a freak if they ever knew so ya# I'm actually the only person she has ever really trusted enough to even share this part of her with #she likes to say she is still in the closet and you don't just have to be gay to be in the closet (its kinda cute actually). shes curious about alot of things that could be considered extreme but never had any one to experiment with and I'm bad at figuring out limits how do i know when its too much for her and what do i look for when looking for her boundaries??? she is very fragile and i love her spirit so i really don't want to push it too far and break it please help me I'm in crisis

Answer
vladimir,

First thing I want you to do is cut yourself a break. You are really too hard on yourself and I can see your heart is in the right place. Second, no more negative self speak, understand? This will get you nowhere and it will render you powerless in the long run.

The answer to your question lies in some introspection. So, here's the deal. You will get as much out of this exercise as you put into it. Go deep because in doing so, it will help you develop into the kind of Dom you see yourself as being. I have been in the lifestyle for almost 15 years now and I didn't come by what I know overnight. It took time. You will learn from everyone you have a D/s relationship with. There aren't ways to actually cut corners, but you may be able to find your way sooner by focusing on a few things here.

I want you to do an exercise for me. I want you to sit down with pen in hand and write down every positive thing you can think of about yourself. I want you to stretch with this exercise and make a list of no less than 50 of your attributes. I am looking for things like: I am respectful to others, I make a great steak...anything you can think of that is an attribute. No less than 50.

Now, I want you to continue this exercise and make a list of 25 attributes you have that are BDSM related. Are you still with me? You may find that some of the attributes you list in your personal categories are the same as your BDSM category. That's okay. AND, if you go over the minimum of 50 or 25, you get extra points for perseverance and using your brilliant mind.

Great, now we have a point from which to operate out of. Do you see your qualities? Do you now see how important you are to this relationship?

Ok, this is a process for you and I feel that it is important for you to go through this process in order to have the right perspective which will give you foresight.

I now want you to take a look at your experience in BDSM. Make another list:

What do you love most about the lifestyle?

Where are your strengths in BDSM? (Are you respectful of limits? Do you understand the importance of aftercare...stuff like that)

And finally, where are your deficits, and in what areas? (Do you wish you knew more about techniques in flogging, spanking, single tail whipping? Do you trust your instincts?)

Now, this step is very important. I want you to write down the kind of slave you envision being in service to you. Be detailed about this because it will help later on when you train your slave.

Next, set up rituals. Give her every day rules that she will understand. This way she will know what your expectations are. Have her obtain a small book. The book is where she will keep her notes about the kind of service you expect from her. Begin by explaining to her your daily routine. You wake up at such and such a time and when you do, you go to the bathroom. After the bathroom, you enjoy your morning coffee. So, in training her, she must learn to wake up at such and such a time, while you are in the bathroom, she makes your coffee. Now the details are important because you don't want her to make coffee like she is making it for everyone else. She is to write in her book EXACTLY how you want your coffee. "My coffee is made by using one and a half scoops of ground coffee (ground fresh from the beans in the coffee grinder) per cup of water. Once brewed, I like a saucer under my favorite mug with a napkin folded neatly in a oblong square with a teaspoon on the napkin. I take 3 level teaspoons of sugar, with exactly 4 tablespoons of heavy cream". Details are important. Anyone can get a cup of coffee for you, but you aren't just anyone. You are your slave's Sir.

Continue to go from room to room telling her what your expectations are of her.

She may have certain eye restrictions placed on her or not be able to sit on furniture or sleep in your bed. There is also a formal service and an informal service. Meaning one is casual and the other, more restrictive in what she may do.

All these things will keep her spirit subservient to you and will set the context for her being in service to you and you owning her.

I would suggest that she go through a series of training where she is played with with the intention of testing her limits. You put aside a certain amount of time, say one to two hours. During that time, you begin slowly exploring her with different kinds of implements. Maybe this session involves over the knee (OTK) spanking. You ramp her up with your hand and then begin using implements. Make sure she is in a comfortable position as you don't want anything to take away from her focusing in on what you want her to feel.

You can give her safe words, i.e RED - I have reached my limit on that action, YELLOW - Caution, please slow down OR you may tell her that the only safe word she will be given is the word "Mercy" and to use it wisely. I sometimes use "Mercy 1, Mercy 2 and Mercy 3". On the third mercy, I know they are tapped out. Also, learn how to read her body so that you already know when she is at her limit or approaching it. Remember, you ALWAYS top the scene, so if YOU feel a need to check in with her before she reaches her limit, then check in and always go with your gut feeling. If you think it is time to stop, then stop. She will respect you for taking care of her and not just trying to whip her into submission for the sake of it.

Every session, she is allowed to be at your feet. You comfort her, tell her she is a good slave. She remains at your feet. You nourish her, make sure she is hydrated, tell her to use the bathroom and make her sleep on the floor by your bed. She is NOT allowed to sleep in your bed, but in a sleeping bag either next to the bed or at the foot of the bed until you allow her to do otherwise.

This is a process that will help establish your position with her. She will know that nothing is ever a "given" and that there are certain privileges she must earn. It doesn't matter if you live together or not.

Now, you have some basics to work on, but let me tackle your question about breaking her. My question would be, to what purpose? You can't just break someone physically without a reason for doing so and it doesn't make sense to say you are doing so because you want her to be your slave. There MUST be a flow to it and you must first set up the context of respect. Breaking someone isn't hard. Anyone can take a implement and beat someone to the breaking point, but there must be something that comes before that and she must be ready for it, AND she must earn the position of doing so.

Once you establish the flow, by setting up your rituals, then you can be SURE she is ready for the next step AND that you deem her ready to be broken for you. If she sees it as something she needs to work for to please you, then she will be in the right head space and be grateful for the experience. You may also want to wait until you are fully ready as well.

Now for some positive affirmations. If you catch yourself calling yourself anything less than the strong, creative, loving and intelligent dominant that you are, you must counteract those words with something positive. Don't forget. If you call yourself stupid, your slave will feel your stupidity because you believe it.

Please let me know how you are doing and that you followed my suggestions to the letter. There are no easy answers. Being a good Dom is a lot of work because you can only call yourself a good Dom after you have done the work.

Seek instruction by going to conventions and reading books.

http://www.thebdsmeventspage.com/events.html
http://www.fetishscene.com/fetishscene/cgi/category.cgi?category=/a-canada&start...

www.Fetlife.com

Gather knowledge and experience and trust yourself vladimir...

M Sharina