beginner slave/sub?

Expert: Sharina Nicole

Question
hello :)

my husband and I are both young. I am 23. he is 25.
He has told me from the beginning about the BDSM lifestlyle and how he sees himself as a dom/master.

at first I was hesitant but I gave it a try. I soon found I really enjoyed being his submissive. I truly feel this a part of me I can't ignore.


my problem is this, within the past year he seems to have lost interest in being my master. we have discussed at length setting up rules and such. But he never seems to hold up his end. (he is very forgetful and tends to be on the lazy side..I say this affectionately of course.)
I admit I do have some trouble adjusting and will forget to follow a rule or two. 

we are struggling to find a balance. Its isn't exactly appropriate for us to be dom/slave 24/7 as we have a small child.

I really feel we could work something out but I can never get him to take the issue seriously.

I have even gone as far as to send him detailed e-mails explaining how I missed that side of us and ideas on what to do next. He has yet to read any of them.  I don't know what to do. Since discovering this part of myself I seem to crave it that much more.

I know he loves me and our marriage is great, I just feel like this is missing.


what should  I do? is there anyway to renew our dom/sub relationship?

Answer
Christy,

It's truly interesting what get's us into this lifestyle and keeps us there. We can be moving along in life minding our own business and then without warning, we take a turn down a very inspiring road and experience something that affects who we are forever.

Okay, so I have a couple of questions for you. Ready?

Question 1: If your husband only dabbled with BDSM to find out his heart just wasn't in it as a Dom, would you be able to give it up for the rest of your life?

Question 2: Do you feel in your heart of hearts that your husband is your life partner forever?

Question 1 certainly must have struck some kind of cord with you especially if being a submissive is something you know you are and always will be. Question 2 is important because as you face the challenges of marriage, you need a strong base from which to operate out of that secures you both in unconditional love and support for each other. In marriage, we come together as unique individuals and as time goes on, our needs change and often times need to be redefined. If one component of the relationship is insecure, or not an opening for what you need in your life, it makes it very difficult to sacrifice who you are so you may fit into a relationship that might not work for you in the long run. It certainly doesn't mean you don't love one another, it just means that adjustment need to be made in order to get your needs met. If one partner is unwilling, then maybe you can explore another avenue. I'm NOT suggesting you leave your husband...only exploring alternatives here.

It seems to me by what you have said, that your husband has lost interest in something he used to get enjoyment from. How was it in the beginning? Was he creative in his S/m play? Did you feel a good energy exchange between you when you played? Just looking for an indication that he may not be interested for other reasons other than the thrill is gone and he doesn't feel comfortable in the dominant role. See, for a lot of people in the lifestyle, the thrill never leaves. We want to go back to that happy place and dive right into where we feel most at ease and connected to our spirit.

For some people BDSM is more of a novelty or a way to make their life more interesting, so they dabble. What you are looking for is a way to continue your D/s relationship with your husband. I really hate to say it, but he sounds totally uninterested. Avoidance is key here. He doesn't seem to want to connect with you in this way and the thing is, you really can't ask someone to pretend they are dominant, or enjoy the dominant role in a D/s relationship unless their heart is in it.

I have a few suggestions I hope will help. Find some quiet time away from your child where you may focus on each other. Connect, no pressure, just connect. It sounds like you already have a good relationship, so maybe this will help define some things between you. Make sure that there is an open dialog between you that includes being best friends and confidants.

Ask your husband, what is it about you that he admires so much. What are your best attributes in your marriage? This may be a way to find out how he sees you. If he sees you a certain way, (as a partner, an equal, a strong woman...etc) it is possible he doesn't want to see you as a"submissive" and this is why he has been in avoidance of going further with it.

Communication is also key. ASK him why he doesn't want to play.

If you look back on your marriage and see what has worked so far, if you stop and look at what may change the relationship dynamic (like your taking on a more submissive role) there is a possibility that he can't deal with that and wants it the way it's always been.

Another thing you can do is ask him if he is open to going to some BDSM groups. You will meet some people there and possibly meet others who may want to play with you with your husband in an observing mode.

You know, I see many people who have husbands and wives and because their partners don't understand their kink, or need to be domme, sub, whatever...they hide it from their partner because it is that important to them to be able to express these desires in a safe environment and that is one of the things I supply for people. What I would rather have are partners coming in together, but that isn't always possible. Sometimes one component of the relationship can't deal with seeing their partner cross dressing, or withstanding corporal punishment, or being in a submissive role. It's unfortunate, but it happens a lot, so they come and see me alone.

If there is no way he will respond to your desires to express your submission in the relationship you have now, ask him what you should do now that he has opened up a whole new world for you where you have discovered that expressing your submission is key to who you are. This will give you some information at the very least.

There are no easy answers, I wish there were. But relationships are amazing tools for learning things about ourselves and learning things in life.

I want you to go to a web site I like. While you are figuring all this out, you can look at discussions and chat with other people about the D/s lifestyle and figure out where you fit exactly. It may take some soul searching, but you'll get there.

The site is: www.Fetlife.com

If you think your husband would be interested in going to some conventions together, here is a link to find events in your area, or areas to fly, drive or take a vacation to.

http://www.thebdsmeventspage.com/events.html

http://www.fetishscene.com/fetishscene/cgi/category.cgi?category=/a-canada&start...


Maybe you could put the D/s relationship on hold for a while and get connected to your husband with kink instead. Then later on, you could combine the two...By "kink" I mean bondage, sensorial play, some middle of the road corporal, etc. Have fun with it and try switching, although I know your heart might not be in that!

With the use of the collar, you could set up your play time by signaling when you are in the D/s role by wearing your collar. All other times, you can be your regular selves. If he knows it isn't going to go on forever, he may be open to little blocks of time and he can see an end in sight.

I also know that your husband loves you and doesn't want to lose you and I also know that you will find your way in this.

Trust yourself, find your power (yes, submissives are truly very powerful people in their own right)

Keep me posted! I'm always here...

M Sharina