BDSM Relationships: My partner's feelings are hurt during sex & D/s play. I think I need to apologize.


Question:

My partner's feelings are hurt during sex and D/s play. I think I need to apologize.

Long story short we've been playing for about a year. He has been great and has respected my boundaries so I'm not really sure why I feel weird about this. Everything he has wanted to do is ok with me. But I get this weird vibe. We've been experimenting with edgy things like him taking control when he wants and covering my mouth and near my nose so I can't breathe as well. It feels strange to me.

Should I feel bad about feeling this way especially when we have built up trust?

Answer:

D/s relationships, and sexual exchanges are consensual and should always be negotiated. Sometimes you both need to do a check-in because as your relationship progresses NOTHING should be taken for granted each time you interact.

If you feel uncomfortable about something, you very much need to talk about it and DEFINE boundaries. Remember, just because you are submissive does not mean you don't have a voice or valuable input and it doesn't mean trust is taken for granted.

I think you've said yes to everything to please your Dom and because you like it, therefore the exchanges are consensual. Having said that, if there are a few things that have made you feel uncomfortable, you must talk about it. You could be triggered with an isolated incident doing something you have always said "yes" to, AND have enjoyed, except this one time. It's confusing when feelings come up out of the blue and you don't know what to do with them. CHECK IN. Remember,  your partner is in their own mode and may miss signals that que them into what you are feeling presently.  While things that happened last week are ok, maybe you don't feel quite up to that level of intensity or play this time. You may not know it until you're in it.

If anything, and I mean anything makes you feel uncomfortable at any time, your Dom should stop and take note. Your feelings are valuable. THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU NOT TRUSTING HIM. It makes you feel uncomfortable. He should respect that. When a dominant takes the role to Top and control, they are also taking responsibility for the outcome they create. They should be tougher than you having to worry about hurting their feelings.

D/s is an ongoing situation where your Dominant EARNS your trust. It is not finite, it is ongoing and can change each time you play. Nothing should be taken for granted because you are dealing with people, their past and current emotional status. What was ok yesterday, might not be ok today. Check in and look for signals out of the ordinary.

The lines of communication are very important in any relationship and ESPECIALLY in D/s relationships where one person is turning over control to another.

A safe word or simple safe action should be put into place. Trust is ongoing...

An example would be negotiating play with someone. Lets just say you negotiated some bondage and sensory deprivation play. You are tied up, can't speak and are feeling groovy. All of the sudden your partner slips a latex pillowcase over your head. You get triggered for whatever reason and you begin to shake your head back and forth as if to say, "no." Your partner should IMMEDIATELY take the pillowcase off your head because *it makes you feel uncomfortable.* The Dom should take off physical speech restrictions and touch base with you. It doesn't mean you don't trust your Dom it means you aren't feeling quite right about what is happening. If you feel uncomfortable, he should respect that and not take it personally. Speak up, you have a voice, even if it comes in the form of a "safe action" or signal.

M Sharina