Expert: Sharina Nicole

Question
Sharina Nicole,

 I am completely new to BDSM lifestyle, not really in it in fact.  I've always enjoyed spanking/choking during sex but recently have researched BDSM more and feel like I'm a sub at heart.  At the same time, I'm 36 and am really interested in, frankly, marriage and kids (I'm straight).  I've looked at some of the lifestyle sites and they seem to be more about hooking up then actually dating.  So, I guess I have a bunch of questions - how would I meet somebody, what does dating look like in the BDSM context, how would I find a mentor?  Also, I'm in a professional position and have some paranoia about being outed.  Any advice on that?  Finally, I'm not interested in 24/7, how do you differentiate what a top is looking for?

 Thanks so much for your time.

 Karen




Answer
Karen,

 A submissive is essentially defined as a person who gives of themselves freely for the pleasure of another. This can be for a certain period of time (just like a slave) or for a lifetime. A submissive has negotiated limits, but remains a subordinate. Does this ring true?

 In finding any kind of romantic relationship whether it is a vanilla-type relationship, or D/s-BDSM related relationship, the same hurdles apply. I am referring to the basics here. Things like chemistry, where to meet someone, wanting the same things, reaching for the same goals, all of these things apply in finding a viable relationship that is cohesive, grounded, rewarding and successful.

 I know you may feel like this is coming out of left field, but I am a firm believer in The Law of Attraction as seen in the movie, "The Secret". This may be "woo woo" stuff, but I guarantee if you focus on what you want, bring your FEELINGS into it, you will attract the man you are looking for no matter where he may show up.

 I know this to be true because I have done this myself. As a professional dominatrix in the scene professionally since 1996, the idea that I would EVER find a man who fit into my lifestyle, was a crap shoot at best. I mean, I work with people who have fantasies and fetishes and although I never have sex with my clients, it is sexual in nature to their kink. Over the years I had done a series of workshops, trainings and experiential seminars designed to have me look at my life and create what I wanted. A lot of what I learned, was in the movie, "The Secret".

 Now (for me) it didn't happen overnight. But what I did, was I wrote on a piece of paper a DETAILED list of the man I wanted in my life. I left out the way he looked, stuff like hair color (or if he had any hair), and physique. What I did put down, was that I wanted a man in my life I was attracted to. I listed everything. He was super intelligent, thrived in a committed relationship, he was loving, loyal, trusting, generous, he respects and adores me (that was a big one) and most of all, he had to accept me and love me for everything I am including what I created in my professional life as a dominatrix. AND, although I wanted him to accept my lifestyle (as I would his) I wanted someone who was open to kink, was kinky, but a relationship that was balanced without it. What I mean by that is, I didn't want a man who was looking to be my submissive or someone who had a kink I would feel obligated to fulfil needs for. I wanted a kinky albeit balanced relationship.

 He showed up. He finally did show up! I waited, I trusted that he would show up, and he did. When I met him, things just flowed and it was like coming home to a place I didn't really know existed until I met him.

 The journey? Fun, interesting and certainly not a waste of my time. No relationship you will ever experience no matter how long or short it lasts is ever a waste of time. It's all to keep you learning things. Plus, when I realized a man I was dating wasn't the one, I celebrated. I knew he was coming and I must of learned things in order to move forward with what it was I was certainly headed for.

 So, write down the man of your dreams. Look at it everyday, visualize your happiness and FEEL how it will be to have the man you love finally entering your life. AND, go get the movie, "The Secret". You will learn a lot. Watch it many times because you probably won't get it the first time. DREAM BIG, remember gratitude in all things and stay on a happy wave length because it's the joy in your life that will bring you more JOY.

 In the meantime, after you crystallize your thinking about that wonderful man who will show up at the perfect time for you, join a few web sites. You will meet lots of interesting people and form some nice relationships. Some of them may be from far away, but (and this is real important) ALWAYS BE OPEN TO THE POSSIBILITIES. Because you never know, you just never know. That's why we play the lottery!

 Also, find some groups in your area and meet some people in the scene. There are munches, and instructional workshops. Play with someone ONLY after you have seen them play with someone else. I also recommend that you form relationships with other women. That way, you will have a friend in the lifestyle you can talk to as well as go to events and conventions with.

 As with all things, be cautious of people you do not know especially if there isn't anyone who can vouch for them. If you decide to meet someone, remember to "safe call". This means to tell someone you will be calling them when you meet your date, and you will call them when your date is finished. You will tell them exactly where you are going at all times and if they don't receive a phone call from you at specific times, they will come and find you and do what's necessary to keep you safe. People do it all the time especially since NOW, most people meet through social networking.

 Social (but alternative lifestyle) web sites:
 www.Fetlife.com  (love this one. I recommend it to everyone)
 www.Alt.com

 Events calendar:
http://www.thebdsmeventspage.com/events.html

 Fetish Scene:
http://www.fetishscene.com/fetishscene/cgi/category.cgi?category=/a-canada&start...

 It is good to meet someone who is already open to D/s play because when you meet a person who is not acclimated to it, you run the risk of them thinking you are some kinky gal who wants kinky sex and there is A LOT more to D/s play than that. You want someone who would like to dabble in it and incorporate it into your regular lives. No one has to live this lifestyle 24/7. You can enjoy it for fun and love the power exchange with each other because D/s, S/m makes one's life and sex life so much more interesting...

 It is possible to keep your life private. And, chances are, if you meet someone at a convention or an event, they are into the lifestyle and you have found a new friend. By the way, "paranoia" is not a life affirming emotion. It will keep you in a powerless position and unable to be open to the possibilites that life has to give to you. Be careful, be smart, but leave the paranoia outside the door, it has no place with where you want to be.

 Okay, now you have some tools Have fun! create your relationship and always be open to the...riiiiiight POSSIBILITIES!

 Keep me posted,

 M Sharina