QUESTION: Should I mentor a husband to teach him how to DOMINATE his wife? 

Had a question and you're one of the few people I know who might have an answer...

Hello Mistress Sharina,
I know your time is valuable so if I'm wasting it, please tell me to stop bothering you. But I also know you're very experienced and into lifestyle play so I think you find some of these questions interesting.

I've encountered a 27 year old who is looking for an older man to help her figure out what kind of sub she is--and teach her husband how to Domme her.

That sounds to me like a very difficult thing to do. Because it seems to me that if you're a Dominant, you have your style of being a Dominant and it's going to be hard to change that to align with a sub's needs. But then I realized this is kind of what pro Dommes do every day, to one extent or another. There are times when the sub's interests and needs are just too incompatible, but generally, a pro Domme has to have the flexibility to alter Her style to push the buttons of the sub. But then there's the added wrinkle of the husband. Because it assumes that he is just a blank slate, a lump of clay, and can be molded into whatever Domme style is needed.

RH

MISTRESS SHARINA NICOLE'S ANSWER:

Yes I do love these questions very much. So many dynamics and levels to consider in every relationship we enter into, and remember, these relationships are a choice every step of the way.

So let me see if I have your question right. You want to understand if it is wise to put yourself into the position of helping a new "submissive" find her place in D/s, while there is an element of also teaching the husband how to dominate her, having no real experience of his own, correct?

First, I'd like to tell you about how I approach things with people I play with. What I do is "mesh" with people who are seeking a session. I meet them where they are mentally and experientially.
Of course there are things in a scene I would never do, like breath play to unconsciousness, or scat play. I don't disparage it, the former is dangerous and the latter, I'm just not into it. I have my limits too.

I am akin to a therapist. This is where I live in kink. I am a "conductor" of kink, measuring what to do and how to implement my skill and methods into a session for the greatest good.  Sometimes it is one on one, other times a couple...all different energies in the same room to consider and be aware of.

I've taken a lot of BDSM courses throughout the years, and I have my favorite mentors. I will always be me, AND we learn from each other and our own personal experiences. So in thinking about putting yourself in this position, you may teach them what you know, and in doing that, they are individually responsible for finding their own way with what they like and how they co-create their own relationship together and individually. This is the essence of mentorship, modeling what you know by example.

This couple must feel quite a bit of trust in you for them to ask you to help them. You *could* take this on and keep it simple. In regard to the husband, people learn by example more than any other way of learning. We all model certain behaviors and we learn from others who model them for us.

So this interesting situation you find yourself in with an inexperienced submissive. I'm going to guess she is somewhat inexperienced, because she must have some experience from which to operate out of whether it's light play or reading about it. Start there.

I would begin with an easy going conversation with both of them to familiarize yourself with them. Let the conversation lead into the possibilities of play and what that looks like to them. Remember, you get to choose if you're going to take this on or not and if you want to help this couple explore the possibilities of their D/s relationship, and to what extent. You may also alter your participation. Playing Devil's advocate, she may be only interested in having an older man play with her under the auspices of "finding out what kind of submissive she is." Then, there is the husband factor. (Part Duex) Maybe this is just a kinky fantasy.

I'd have a conversation with both of them to open up a dialog of what comes next. Remember, any session that involves D/s play must be negotiated to make sure you are on the same page. Negotiations include types of play, pain tolerance, absolute limits, rules like safe words/actions if you choose to use them, or just have her communicate to you simply and directly.

Play may include roleplay to the extent of a session collar, denoting the beginning of the session, removal denoting the end of the session. This way, you signal giving her back to her husband. You may want to have both of them choose and purchase a collar. He hands it to you to place around her neck signaling a "lending" of his submissive wife, in which she leaves her title of wife behind in order to mentally and physically draw her attention to you who will have control of her.

To the submissive, ask her questions about what she likes/loves about D/s. Does she like being controlled? HOW does she like being controlled? Does she want to be told what to do? Physically moved around and handled? Which body parts are erogenous, and which body parts are not. Are there certain forms of touching that would be off limits? Does she have interest in being trained to be a slave? In her every day life, is she more a supporter or someone who takes the lead. She MAY be a switch in her D/s life considering who she is in every day life. Maybe she wants to immerse herself in total submission as a release. There are so many ways to look at this in discovering what her role is and how to play with her. I know she has no experience, but being able to operate out of some of her feelings will be a starting point.

To the husband, negotiation is imperative. You want to find out what his idea of watching you dominate his wife might be and how he'd like to learn about playing with his wife. He may say he doesn't know, but he's thought about it. Peel the onion. Issues of jealousy may come up, but most men I'd say seem more like they're into the kinky fantasy and are ok with things that may seem edgy to women. What are HIS limits? I'd err on the side of caution for the first time. If you decide to eroticise, especially use safety precautions like latex/nitrile gloves for any vaginal or penetrative type play if there is any. I'd also stay completely away from anything construed as sex between a male and female. Start with a gloved hand when using particular types of stimulation. You may use vibration, condom covered dildo, lubrication...that is if you decide to go with sensual types of domination and mixing in other intensities like pleasure/pain implementation. She and her husband need to agree to it, no surprises. You must be specific. Communication is very important.

There is also the element of impact play. How would she feel if you took her over your knee because you wanted to give her a spanking? What if it were an erotic spanking? Keeping her on the edge of pleasure while receiving a spanking will push her to take more pain. She will also be in euphoria from the endorphins inching towards orgasm. What if she were blindfolded? What if she were driven to tears? Does she want to be driven to tears? You get the picture. Peel the onion.

If during the session you think of something that you did not negotiate, (example: anal stimulation, light caning) leave it out until next time unless you are communicating with her or her husband during the session. You won't cover everything and there is a lot you can do. Everything you do needs to follow the credo of negotiation. But let's say she's ok with hand spanking from a warm up. Along the same lines would be a light leather paddle that although different, would be similar to a hand spank. Vary your degree of implementation. A cane would not be similar...

How comfortable does he feel in the role of always being a dominant in their playtime which can very well veer into their ongoing sexual life. There are key ways to denote playtime from regular male - female sex, especially if the husband enjoys a bit of aggression from his wife. In this way, they can have D/s play and then Husband and Wife play. I recommend a collar being used to separate play from connecting on a strictly sexual level as husband and wife partners, not Dom and sub. Actions like this are great for any kind of D/s relationship where signaling a change is necessary. A collar is placed around the neck signaling a new dynamic is about to take place. Often times when I use a collar in a session, which represents ownership and obedience, as I remove it, I say, "you may be yourself now." So, this action is very helpful in helping a person shift. You may remove the collar before aftercare, or after. You might even decide to have the husband provide this. After all, you'd be giving him back his gift of his wife's submission which, once he has an idea of how to do it himself and the confidence to do it, he can enjoy exploring their D/s on his own.

Btw, you are insightful. I love what you said, "...generally, a pro Domme has to have the flexibility to alter Her style to push the buttons of the sub." Yes, quite right! I'm always asking myself during a session, "What is needed in this session right now?"

I covered some basics, but as you can see, there is a lot to think about and implement. Let me know how it goes and what you've decided. Fun journey and remember,  you may always alter your participation.

Good luck!
M Sharina