help w control

Expert: Sharina Nicole

Question
QUESTION: Hi, to start off I have a slave whom I have owned for 4 months now. Things were amazing when we lived together but right now I am beginning a new career a few states away while she stays at home. As soon as I get things situated I will send for her to come to me. The reason she stayed is that she is in college and I'm not that much of n ass to not let her better herself.  The main problem is she is starting to become defiant to me. Smarting off and doin things she would not do with me around. I have taken away her toys and when she smarts off at me, I make her get on her knees to remind her who's in charge and I have made her write 4 pages of why she will not defy me again. I know she is doing them cuz I make her write them with a pen n mail it to my work. The problem is she still pushes my buttons just because I'm away. Any ideas on how to control this or is she just an untrainable slave? I'm not sure if age is a factor you would like to know but I am a male (22) and she is 25

ANSWER: Adam,

Not fun eh? In answer to your question, EVERYTHING is a factor in how things work, or don't work for that matter. Age may be a component, but you are close enough in age to have it work, especially if you both have relatively the same intellect. Given your age (22) you may be naturally dominant, but as you gather experience, you will feel a certain sense of confidence and trust in yourself. Right now, she is testing you and pushing buttons. I will address this later on, but for now, a few questions for you to explore.

Let's go back and take account as to how she became your slave. You state that you have owned her for 4 months now. Is she a collared slave? Was there a special collaring ceremony, even if it was just you two? If she is collared, what kinds of rules have you set up? Any rituals? Do you have a written contract of any kind?

I ask these questions, because everything that you do sets the context for your relationship. If she is not collared, perhaps she doesn't feel owned. If she is and she is acting out in this manner, it is serving her to do so...EVERY relationship is co-created meaning that relationship partners are connected and feed off of each other in a way that has a cause and effect outcome. Doesn't matter why she is doing what she is doing to tweak you, you want the behavior to stop.

If she is not collared you MUST do this in person. This is a very serious commitment, wearing a Sir's collar. Thought and consideration as to the type of collar and what the collar means is very important as well. The collar represents Ownership and Obedience and is to be worn in this context.

In a situation like the one you're in, if you keep the cycle of REACTING to her alive, guess what? You will always be in the position to react to what she does. In this respect, she is ruling the relationship.

My advice to you would be to set up a few rituals, so she thinks of you all the time. First thing, and I strongly suggest this to anyone who has a slave, is to require your slave to keep a journal. This journal does not belong to your slave, it belongs to you and should be stated as such on the first page by your slave. "Dedicated to my Sir, from slave...(her name)" At the end of the journal, your slave presents to you their written words in this journal form. However, while they are in the midst of writing  in it, you should be reading it periodically. Since she is at home and you are away, she should be required to read it to you. You may pick a random date off the cuff, or have her call you at a specific time each day and read it. I enjoy voice mail form, because I hear the reflections in the voice and it further endears them to me.

Another ritual is wearing her collar. More than likely, she can wear her collar and people will think it is jewelry. Men can't get away with this as easy as women, but it does come in handy. If she has to take it off during the day, perhaps a requirement would be for her to wear it at night just before she goes to bed. By the way, a nice pair of heels goes great with a pair of jammies and her collar. Heels worn to bed, she will remember you all night. That is if she keeps them on all night.

For further information about collaring, I answered a question (3/6/11) not too long ago for "sine". It will serve you to read it and make some adjustments in your relationship even if your slave is collared. Perhaps going back to a "collar of consideration" is in order, especially if you just put a collar around her neck.

If you enjoy giving her writing assignments, give her words to write the definitions of like "Commitment", "Loyalty", "Unconditional Servitude". Use this exercise as a definitive way in deciding your slave ownership of her. Just because you say you own her now, does not mean you will own her forever. Being a Dominant's slave is a privilege and denotes respect and should never be taken for granted. She should always be in the position of proving she is a worthy slave (and you, the loving and worthy dominant) It should be your position to mold her into the kind of slave that you would like her to be.

I have a saying that goes, "The training never ends, but maybe that's the good news".

The thing about your situation Adam, is the last thing you want to do is feel compelled to micro-manage your slave. Having a slave is supposed to make the dominants life easier, not chaotic and conflicted. If you take a good look at it, you may decide that this relationship isn't working for you and you may have the need to seek out another slave. If your slave knows this, perhaps she will stop acting like a spoiled little brat, and shape up!

And here's another thing, good behavior is rewarded by being treated as a valuable slave to her Sir. If she is a brat, she doesn't get a physical or verbal dialog from you. For me, if my sub/slave is acting out and being a brat, I don't reward the behavior by interacting with them. They get to chill. It's like a "time out". If there is something she wants, and she may have to ask for it (like an intense scene) then it may be negotiated for play time. But any manipulations are a bad way to get what she wants.

Now maybe you have heard about people referred to as a "S.A.M" This stands for Smart Ass Masochist. Reason being, they act out to get you to beat them or give them an intense scene. For me, when people try this (and they do in professional scenes too) I don't allow it to tweak me. I PAUSE, take a deep breath through my nose, slightly and unnoticeably blowing it out through my mouth. I proceed with the session, but I don't react. What I do is I build up to an intensity instead, so that when they least expect it, they find themselves in utter turmoil, but it is on MY terms, not theirs.

DO remember words like, "I am proud of you", "You are treasured". Because when you give her words of encouragement, she will want to get back in the good place with her Sir instead of always being a bad slave and treated as such. In a way, training a slave is similar to rearing children. They are pliable and thrive on good feedback. It is in their nature to please us...

It may take years for you to perfect your art of domination style, but don't get discouraged. She is here to teach you some things about yourself as you are here to teach her as well. If there weren't lessons to be learned, life would be soooo boring, wouldn't you agree?

Keep me posted!

M Sharina


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Lol to be honest Ms. Sharina I read many of your answers hoping I wouldn't have to ask you a silly question.  My slave does not have a collar, we have talked about it but we agreed to wait (her idea) to wait till marriage. The full story is that I have never been a Master/Dom before until this relationship, it is all new to me still but I am learning very quickly. I definitely will try your advice A.S.A.P. and hope for the best. When we were together she was a very good slave, I punished her two times total. Both were within 2 months of eachother and were never repeated. She was caught talking with another man and she did not clean the apartment when instructed to. The rule with men are if she speaks with them, they better know who I am when I introduce myself. For the cleaning, I made her sit in a corner while I did everything. This had a remarkable effect. No other problems ever, even during her inspections she was perfect. I've been gone for 3 weeks and I've gotten on to her many times (at least 10)   I just can't understand the reason for this change.  sorry but I'm the type of guy who tries to find logic in peoples behaviors.

I know this is off topic but I need ur help to understand something... My slave LOVES anal play... but ive read many comments about Doms confusing their slave from pleasure and punishment.... but I hate hurting women emotionally... for months I couldn't even pop my current gf/slave but we worked and I am able to satisfy her wants and needs... but anal is both pleasure and pain depending on how its used... i guess my question is how do you learn to differentiate for a slave? I don't want her to be confused about anal being a punishment so its not pleasurable for her... does this make sense? Sry I'm at a loss of words.

thank you for your time, your last answer helped alot!

ANSWER: Adam,

There are NO silly questions. Trust me, I've asked many and sometimes in a crowded room, the risk you take is not getting YOUR question answered. (wink)

I'm wondering if you have the D/s relationship skewed about it being about punishment. Just a thought. Maybe not, but maybe it has swerved in that direction because of her behavior.

About the collar. I understand that for some people the collar is as serious as a wedding ring, however, I think they are two separate things. Could be this is a first step towards the vanilla commitment of marriage. I don't think it would hurt to collar her before you get married. I think it could only prove to be simply wonderful progression towards a deeper commitment.

You sound very intelligent and creative when it comes to being a Dom. I like that you don't pretend that you're someone you're not. You are honest with your capabilities AND your dearest girl is very lucky that you are willing to explore this with her and see where it takes you. Maybe you never thought of being a dominant per se' before you met her, but that's okay. We all eventually find our way, even if it's by accident.

The bottom line is her behavior is unacceptable. If she wants a dialog of any kind with you, she will need to follow the rules. Speaking of which, and this may come in handy when you veer into another dimension of your relationship, but a collar will come in handy to signal that, "okay, we are doing THIS now". She will be reminded of her place, but even if she doesn't wear it, she should know who she belongs to and what her place is. It's like a wedding ring, just because someone isn't wearing theirs doesn't mean they have forgotten they're married. I loved what you said, "The rule with men are if she speaks with them, they better know who I am when I introduce myself". Love that! So simple, but you are so right. Good rule...

About your question about anal play. I am going to tell you what my preference is about punishments. The worst punishment you can give a slave is NOT giving them what they want. The next worst punishment is passive aggression which comes in the form of not speaking to your slave until they straighten up. It worked for our Mothers, it can work for us! Just kidding, but there is some truth in it. I used to know a slave, his name was davien. He would say, "Silence is such sweet whips of torture".  he is right and he was a very good slave to a wonderful Sir.

...and if you must punish someone with something they like, tweek it. She may love anal play, but would she still like it if you used a frozen solid piece of ice shaped like a cock? It would still be pleasurable to a certain extent. The thing is, she likes it her way, right? If you give it to her your way, she may not like it so much.It's also called "accountability and responsibility for her actions". If you choose to use this method, she is responsible for the outcome of it because she has power over her own actions.

Now, you can choose not to use a form of play she likes to punish her. You could use corporal punishment. Even if she likes it, maybe it's something she needs anyway. Just don't be manipulated by it. Let the violations accumulate and then when you visit, set up a scene for her. Methodically use corporal punishment to break her down to the point that you can see her energy has changed from defiant to pliable. Maybe she needs it. Sometimes slaves act out and they don't know what they need, but over time, we realize exactly what they need.

I can also suggest you ask her what's up. Ask her why there is a change in her behavior. Tell her how it is affecting you. Ask her what she thinks you should do. That way she can take some of the responsibility. Be clear about your expectations of her and what your perspective is.

Make sense?

M Sharina

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Clearly Ms Sharina. It makes perfect sense. And I have asked her before which is why I am here. She thinks its a joke or just laughs.

I LOVE the ice cock lol. Very creative!

I appreciate the compliment about saying I'm intelligent. You did mention that our intellect should be close. Does it matter that all her exs are incapable of counting even with their fingers? (im exaggerating but not much)

And Idk if its just because of my inexperience of BDSM or what, but I truly don't see the benefits of a collar. Like you said earlier, its just jewelry to slaves... And u can't tale it off because its a sign of releasing right? Again you said they should know who they belong to with or without it.

As far as her attitude, do u think she WANTS me angry at her to force emotions out during a paddle session or something similar?? It's all I can think of...

Can you give me any advice about punishments that won't hurt her emotionally but still reach the same effect? Her punishment was humiliation. She HATES being put on display so I made her wear a short skirt with no panties and have a plug in each hole. And she must ask for help putting on shoes in a shoe store when ee go shopping... Although truly it hurts me to see her so scared she could've cried... (it was when she broke my rule about talking with men)

Answer
Yes Adam, she should know the rule when speaking to men...

To be clear, regarding the collar, in referring to the collar being a piece of jewelry, I meant that those not in the lifestyle may interpret her collar as being a piece of jewelry, which would make it easy to wear in public, but she would know the difference. Also, a slave may be your collared slave, but the collar may be removed at times. It still means they are collared as long as you both agree. 

To elaborate, the one benefit to a collar for your situation, is that it would remind her that she wears your collar (just like a man or woman wears a wedding ring) A collar is of the utmost importance and should never be given as IF it were just a piece of jewelry, because it is more than  that. (just like a wedding ring) A collar signifies respect, loyalty, obedience and ownership. It's very important that she respects that relationship.

Regarding "punishments that won't hurt her emotionally", know her absolute limits...

And remember Adam, the context of having a slave should not solely be about punishment, unless of course that is what you desire. However, you can have a very good rapport with a S.A.M (smart ass masochist) but if it isn't your thing, it may put a strain on your relationship.

"As far as her attitude, do u think she WANTS me angry at her to force emotions out during a paddle session or something similar?? It's all I can think of..." I would suggest you ask her. Good communication is the key to any relationship. Go with your gut, you know, those feelings you have in the back of your mind? Listen to them and as you get older, you will learn to TRUST THEM.

Be well!

M Sharina