Expert: Sharina Nicole - 6/25/2011

BDSM Relationships Question: He wants his girlfriend to dominate him (as his femdom)

Respected Ma am,
Thank you for your instant reply ma am, but i cant find the answer into the list of questions & answers,
Can you please give me the link to the answer ma am or if possible please mail me the answer here.
Thanks & Regards

Answer

raj, I would be happy to attach it to this form. Please, if you have any additional questions, please don't hesitate to ask.  M Sharina

Questioner: raj
Subject: need help
Date Asked: 2011-06-19 16:50:40
Date Answered: today 6/24/11

Question:

Respected Ma am,
I belong to India and i am in a relationship since past 3 years with a girl. We did have a few physical encounters and our romantic life is pretty much normal and we both satisfy each other. I like femdom and bdsm since past 6 years. Just after a couple of months our relationship began i told her about this, it was actually a movie in which a girl dressed up in kinky manner was using a cane on a guy and i told her that even i want to try this.

A few days later we did try out , initially face slapping and use of belt was what she did, than time being she also tried face spitting, foot worship, boot worship, pony play, puppy play, spanking(just once), i giving her oral, blindfolds , light bondage. I like verbal abuse and humiliation and she doesn't likes it,she hates to abuse me verbally.

My question is that She does it good but she gets bored very soon, a couple of weeks back when we were on outing for a week she tried it on 1st day and than when i told her to do it again she said she feels bored to do one and the same things over and over again. Let me also inform that this is the 1st and only mistress in my life and also the only person who knows about this desires of mine. She also enjoys doing it to me and loves to torture me and punish me but she cant see me cry so she stops when i plead her(pleasure just starts for me and she stops doing it).

Please help me on what to do and how to explain her that i enjoy it and please don't get bored. One more thing i belong to India so i hope you understand that bdsm is not accepted in our society and no pro domme for help either. Since we both stay at our homes with parents so ordering books from some site or ordering toys is very difficult, so is the procedure for getting a post box number. I have much more to say but short of words and unable to frame it properly and don't know what to speak exactly i hope you understand it ma am.
Thank you for your valuable time in reading my post. Thank you for your help in advance ma am.
Regards
raj

Answer:

Hi raj, I hope I can help...First let me say that I am sorry you are in a place in the world who limits what you can read or what you can take into the country. That is difficult, so you will need to communicate directly with your lady, because she sounds like she is at least open to BDSM.

It sounds to me as if you have found a woman who wants to please you. When she is having fun with you, does it seem like she is really into it or does it seem like she is doing it just for you?

For me, when I play with someone I have a good groove with, I spend extra time with them. The energy exchange HAS to be good. Do you know what I mean by energy exchange? When two people play together, there is a flow. The flow feels good because both people are enjoying what they are doing.

People call me up as a professional dominatrix and when I ask them what kinds of things they like in S/m or D/s play, they sometimes say, "Anything you like Mistress". Well, this is not a good answer for me because if I am doing something to someone who really doesn't like what I am doing to them and they are only doing it for me, the energy flow will be bad and I will be able to feel it.

So raj, my suggestion to you would be to talk to your lady and ask her what she really likes. Tell her it's okay if she doesn't like anything about BDSM, because you really do want the truth. Tell her that if she wants to stop playing, you will do what pleases her. Trust me, she may feel relief, but then agaim because you are willing to please her, she will be willing to please you in some way. You will not only show your subservience to her, but you will leave an opening for her to feel comfortable with however your relationship will go.

Tell her you want to please her and you want to do things for HER. Give her a foot rub while she relaxes, cook her dinner and serve it to her, essentially, treat her like your Queen.

Ever see the movie Sex and The City 2?  The ladies take a trip to Abu Dhabi and stay in this amazing hotel and are treated like Queens by the delightful staff. Each character in the movie has her own male servant. These men have style and class and elegance and I just love the way they treat the ladies. Think about demonstrating that sort of dedication to your lady if you haven't already.

So ask yourself raj, when you are being played with, are you quiet? Do you connect with your lady? Is there a flow? If not, that is something to look at. Silence in a scene doesn't necessarily mean the scene will be bad, but I have played with people that appear to be empty. They give nothing back to me and seem to have no emotions. That isn't fun for me...So, what is it SHE likes about your scenes, anything? Once you find out what she likes, even if it is just the smallest of things, focus on that.

Please keep me posted and tell me how you are doing. Tell me what she says when you ask her these questions. I think her responses are important. Also raj, keep a diary about your BDSM experiences with her and tell her you are doing so. Every woman wants to read about how great they are...But, the book belongs to HER, not you, you just write things in it like a journal or a diary.

Play between people is co-created...find out how you both may co-create your play together.

AND, the use of every day ordinary kitchen items or items in the garage can be used for all kinds of play. Some of the best scenes are played with no equipment or very little. The key is to get into the heart of the emotions so you enjoy it and she likes doing things to you.

M Sharina