What is the difference

Expert: Sharina Nicole

Question
1. What is the difference between a slave, a submissive, and a bottom ?  

 
2. When I decided to pursue a Master slave relationship with my husband,  I just submitted to him, one night while having relaxed time together, at first he did not know how to react. This has been a process, We have been together for a very long time, and I have always been attracted to certain dominant traits that he possess. He however has always had a strong amount of respect for women. I don't have a problem with this.  Throughout our sex life I have introduced light play such as : choking, nipple pinching, hair pulling, and hand spanking.  We have talked in great length about the fact that I like being called dirty names during sex. Before and after sometimes. To me it is not disrespect if the person does not feel disrespected. I really trust him with my whole being. Am I on the right tract in making this transition from Vanilla to A life of slavery?  I don't want to tell him what to do, that would be ruling from the bottom.

Answer
Nana,

There are many different view points for definitions in the lifestyle of BDSM, but I will  describe for you the basics in the definitions you request.

The term "slave" denotes One's property, whether it is for a short period of time, (say the duration of a scene), or in a long term, committed relationship. Sometimes this involves the slave being collared and sometimes it does not. All slaves are not collared. slaves are sometimes referred to as submissive, but One may own a slave who is not entirely submissive. A slave consensually gives up control to a dominant (Sir, Master, Mistress, Domina, etc).

A person who is submissive, gives of themselves freely for the pleasure of another. This can be for a certain period of time (just like a slave) or for a lifetime. A submissive has negotiated limits, but remains a subordinate.

I would describe a "bottom" as one who is an individual, who gives up control to a Top. In a scene where there is a Top and a bottom, the Top controls the scene play and the bottom is on the receiving end of the play. A person who is a bottom, may or may not have a power relationship with the Top. I will give you an example. I am dominant in my style of being, but I love to bottom on occasion to a skilled Top.

Looking at the definitions, you will see some strong similarities. Go with what makes sense to you.

If I am understanding your question correctly Nana, are you asking me how to feel comfortable with your Dom? Any relationship whether it is related to D/s or not is co-created. Your relationship will depend on how much experience you have in being a slave or submissive and how much experience your Dom has in the area of D/s AND how far each partner is willing to go.

Although there are many dynamics at work here, what's important is that before your D/s relationship can grow, you may BOTH need to start at ground zero. My suggestions to you would be to communicate thoughts and feelings so you may trust your Dom. Tell him how you feel. If there is a problem with you doing this, notice the part in the relationship that is lacking.

Next, scene play should ALWAYS be negotiated until you get to know each other well enough to play without it. After the scene, talk to each other about it. Talk about what worked and what didn't work. Talk about your favorite parts and your not so favorite parts. That's the only way you can get into a good grove. Once your Dom knows what makes you really tick, you can both have fun with it.

Now, it sounds to me like you have an issue with him not being as intense as you would like him to be. This is a problem with couples in general and I have seen it through my years of professional domination when I have seen couples. If he sees it as a part to play like a movie role with both of you playing two different roles, it is possible he may feel a bit more comfortable with it. Not everyone can shift into a different MODE with someone, but they may be able to shift into a different ROLE with someone. That makes sense especially since you describe him as a gentleman. It probably makes him feel a bit uncomfortable (and out of the box) to slap you and call you his "little cunt". It tweaks him, I'm sure. But if he is playing a part that is nothing like him, he may be able to pull it off. Power-exchange is WONDERFUL!

Which brings to mind another tool that I have suggested in countless couple relationships. The use of a collar is great for signaling the beginning of scene play. This way, the collar goes on, something different is about to happen and everything you discussed beforehand is about to happen and you are ready to have fun. Before a role-play scenario, you describe his part to him and he can describe yours. You color it how you like it. Maybe you take turns with who is creating both parts.

Lastly, go to conventions where you learn things together and meet others who are into D/s. If you have a willing partner and you want to please and fulfil each other's needs, there's no better thing in the world.

Try these web sites to see what's happening in your neck of the woods:
http://www.thebdsmeventspage.com/events.html

http://www.fetishscene.com/fetishscene/cgi/category.cgi?category=/a-canada&start...

Also, go to www.Fetlife.com. You will meet people, have conversations D/s related, ask questions and begin to explore all of your kinks! Look me up!

Tell me how it's going Nana. I wish you the best!

M Sharina