Curious About Dabbling in BDSM & Questions

 

 
Expert: Sharina Nicole

Question
Hi,
 I have so many questions that I don't really know where to begin. I am a wife/mother have two teenaged/preteen kids and have been with my husband for 20 years. I am a survivor of childhood molestation and a mild/non violent date rape. Due to this, I have been sexually dysfunctional for most of my life. My husband is incredibly understanding, weathering (sexual)dry spells that would kill the best marriages. I've recently confronted/removed the person from my life that molested me. I've been forced to keep a close relationship with him for more than 30 years. Somehow as a result, I have felt a huge weight lifted resulting in a sexual re-awakening and now actually desire/initiate sex. My husband and I love the Starz series "Spartacus" and during sex one time he told me to say, "yes, Domina" like in the series but I just couldn't. Bossing me around just plain pisses me off. I'll admit that he has snatched my arms pinning them above my head during sex and I surprisingly enjoyed it - despite the fact that I literally freak out if I get held down against my will - which is one reason we have never even considered playing around in this arena. He has smacked my rear during sex a few times - not too hard and we both kind of liked it. We're not into anything more than possibly, if even inadvertently, soft b/d or maybe even just a dusty version of vanilla - not really dirty, can be wiped off... I sincerely do not like pain and the thought of someone taking a whip to me makes me want to fight not get close enough to get hit over and over. Nor do I want to "hurt" anyone. We both are strong willed and in my opinion I'm too dominate to be his sub but too submissive to be his dom. Even after 20 years, I still have trust/body image issues while naked/intimate. I have in the last few years discovered paranormal romance novels and get aroused reading about the bdsm behavior when both parties consent and not brutal/cruel treatment. I guess because of my past. I am very confused. Your advise and suggestions are welcomed and encouraged.
 Thank you,
 Curious




Answer

 Thank you "Ms C" for your question. I admire you for being in a place in your life where you are taking steps forward and claiming your life back. Certainly, you are quite an amazing woman.

 Sexual abuse hurts a person in so many ways, and in my opinion it robs a person of their ability to feel whole. There's always a piece missing. Trying to get all the pieces that have been taken from you is a process. As a side note to your questions about BDSM, please also know that if you ever have a bout with depression, seek the guidance of someone who can help you with the cause as opposed to muting your feelings entirely with medication. When a person suffers something as traumatic and damaging to the spirit as molestation, the mind goes into survival mode and sometimes what happens is the feeling parts of the spirit are shut down. Therefore, over the years all these stored feelings must come to the surface somehow, so they appear many years later when least expected in the form of depression. So, please look for the possibility of depression as a symptom to your past experience coming to the surface. Give yourself time and love yourself through your processes with the belief systems that have formed from your abuse and have manifested certain untruths about your body image and trust issues that are no doubt triggered by your past abuse. You are beautiful and powerful beyond measure for the person you are now.

 Your husband sounds wonderful, what a GEM. To have a loving, understanding and patient man in your life is truly a gift. So, now you both have come to the threshold of something quite unique. Something that has the ability to draw you closer together sexually and you are an opening for it. You know, sex can be great between two people, but if you add elements of kink, life just get's that much more interesting!

 Being able to dive right into certain things BDSM, may take some time. Remember, you have had some trauma in your life and even though your mind feels adjusted, your body may revolt. Take it easy and if anything comes up, tell your husband. In the meantime begin slow.

 Now, there are misnomers about BDSM and one of them is that things involving BDSM must have a pain element. This is not true. I remember years ago when I began exploring BDSM, I dated a man and we played together. Spankings or anything like it, I was not interested in and he wanted to give me one. In my childhood, my Mother believed that corporal punishment was the way to go in disciplining your children, so my brother and I were punished with the paddle. More my brother...I ran for the hills. I HATED being spanked. I reviled with contempt being spanked!

 So one day, much to my complete amazement, this man whom I had formed a rather fun switching relationship with, lured me over his knee. I was in a standing position as I recall and he was sitting on the bed. He began by flirting with me and feeling my bottom. Softly at first and then a nice handful that turned into light slaps. I found myself over his knee...and while he slapped lightly, he would intermittently bring that same warm hand and lightly rub between my legs. He would then go back to spanking, very light, just enough to cause my bottom to warm a little more and then he would go back to warming me between my legs. As my bottom got warmer, I began to feel myself getting wet. It was the most wonderful sensation I had ever had in duo with a spanking! Little did I know, I was being introduced to my very first erotic spanking.

 Now, if he had started slapping me and pushing by bottom around, I would have most certainly resisted, but he took his time, literally coaxing me into la la land. I will never forget it. It has made me a better domme.

 There are lots of people who are afraid of pain and there are lots of other people who thrive on it. Those are the people whose deep and intense experience with heavy play is directly connected to catharsis and adjusting their energy and consciousness levels. Now, this isn't for everyone, however, you may be lead down a path that leads you into a zone you like being in and want to experience it over and over and over again. I say make it up as you go, but don't make something up about it that will close the door to an experience that would be really superb. Maybe you just need to go slow and find out where you are with it.

 So the next thing I would like to comment on is what you said about you and your husband being strong willed, you being too dominant to be his sub, but too submissive to be his domme. Personally, I am not a submissive, but I do enjoy the power exchange. This makes me a person who is okay with turning over control to another person even though I am mostly dominant. What I notice in this exchange are feelings of utter powerlessness, vulnerability at times and a huge sense of trust with the person I agree to play with. The other side of the coin is I thrive more on controlling the feelings of others. I love taking someone on a mental mind journey using their bodies as the catalyst for their experience.

 Having said that, it would be a good idea that when you both decide to set up a play time, negotiate all that you will be doing. Ask each other, "What are we up to experiencing this time"? You may request that your husband acquiesce to your desire to be dominant or visa versa. Maybe it's something simple. You might say, "I would love it if you would erotically tease me and not allow me to come unless you say I can, making me stretch my arms up towards the head of the bed either holding onto it, or not being allowed to move them at all. (This may be a first step until you feel completely comfortable being tied to the bed in this position)You can continue with things like telling him that you are okay with the use of lubrication, regular lube or warming lube on your genitals, insertion of fingers or other toys and the toys may vibrate, or just a regular hand held vibrator. Further, I am okay with my nipples being played with by squeezing, pinching, or with the use of light nipple clips. I would like to feel your hands and light fingernail touches all over my body while you continually tease me to orgasm, telling me that if I promise to be a good girl, you will let me come. There are lots of negotiations like this, but you get the picture. If you put it in the context of a role play experience, you can have fun with it knowing that you can go back to your regular roles as husband and wife.

 Details, boundaries and limits should always be discussed until you play with each other regularly, and are able to read each other very well. By then, you should feel comfortable with your own abilities to be creative and know limits. You may also put into effect a safe word. Safe words allow a person an "out" in case they don't feel quite right, for whatever reason. "Stop light" safe words are very common and easy to use and when using them, you don't have to come up with a tactful way to tell someone that what they are doing is not okay, or that you have reached a limit of some sort. Basically, "yellow" means caution - slow down - I'm reaching my limit too fast. "Red" means I have reached my limit and need to stop immediately. After the safe word "Red" is used, you can talk about why you used it and either  move forward or end the play right there.

 It is important that you communicate your feelings always. Keep the line of communication in the forefront and always be honest. That's the only way that you will learn from each other.

 There are a couple of books I would suggest you read.

 Different Loving: The World of Sexual Dominance and Submission [Paperback]
 William Brame (Author), Gloria Brame (Author)

 The Mistress Manual: The Good Girl's Guide to Female Dominance [Paperback]
 Mistress Lorelei (Author) Full of interesting ideas and games to play.

 Since you enjoy romance novels, you may like the Sleeping Beauty series:
 The Sleeping Beauty Novels: The Claiming of Sleeping Beauty / Beauty's Release / Beauty's Punishment by A. N. Roquelaure and Anne Rice (May 1, 1999)

 Lots of fantasy there, but totally worth the read.

 I trust you will enjoy your new found freedom and explore all that is possible with your wonderful man. Please keep me posted and if you have any further questions, please don't hesitate to ask.

 M Sharina