New FemDomme with experienced sub

Expert: Sharina Nicole

Question
Hi.

I am new to the BDSM world.  I met a guy who I am crazy about.  He has been into this for about 15 years.  I have always been more adventurous and so I see this as opening a whole new world of excitement for me.  I'm just nervous because he is a sub and wants me to replace his current domme.  We've talked about his limits (he has practically none) and he says I can ask him anything.  But I don't want to keep asking him questions and ruin all the fun for him.  I've been doing research, and there's just so much out there.  I realize that this will be a very general question, but I am wondering if you have any advice for a new domme who doesn't want to disappoint her experienced sub.

Answer
Michelle,

First of all, your guy is VERY LUCKY to have found you! I can't even begin to tell you how many people (mostly men) are out there who must keep their kink a secret because they can't get their loved one into it AT ALL. So, very cool that you are open to it.

I also want to encourage you not feel as if you need to be in a place, where you're not right now, in terms of experience. Enjoy where you're at with it, and look at it as a way to explore something new together. Besides finding where your interests may lie, you are in the perfect place and will find the perfect groove with your guy.

As a professional dominatrix, my interests began with the Internet. I would say I swerved into domination and once there, it opened doors that made life interesting AND sex very interesting! To be clear, I do not engage in sex with people professionally, but I have been able to incorporate some sado-masochistic play in my sex with the right people.

Over the years, I have learned A LOT from the people I played with. I knew that I was interested in it, I knew that I would be good at it, but I just needed to explore how to do it in real life because as I said, I was on the Internet and totally into cyber domination.

I would suggest you begin by asking your (sub) what he loves. As he speaks, take notes. Ask him why he loves certain things. If he says, "I love heavy corporal punishment". Ask him, what kinds of corporal punishment and what is it about THAT kind of pain that really get's him off. Then, learn about it through him as well as the Internet or the written word.

Great site: http://gloria-brame.com/

The more information, the better. Get to know him as the aspiring domme that you are!

Two other things I know will help you immensely. It would be wise for you to get him a collar. Find one that strikes your fancy, but make sure it has a lock. It can be made of leather, but sometimes the more simplistic collars are the best. A simple chain that has a simple hardware lock on it is nice and will denote two things: OWNERSHIP and OBEDIENCE. The other important thing about the collar, is that it will separate your regular time together, from playtime. This is important, because unless you want your entire relationship to be about domination, it is nice to have something (like the collar) that will signify a different dynamic in your relationship. AND, it isn't something that will be pressuring you to perform per se' especially if you are not in the mood.


The second thing that will prove very useful and informative (whether he will be a slave or submissive)is something that I do with all important slaves. I have them obtain a new journal. It may be their choosing to find one that is characteristic of their own taste, HOWEVER, the journal they will be writing in DOES NOT belong to them. It will belong to YOU, his Mistress. Tell him how often he will be writing (say a minimum of 2 times a week) In this journal will include his thoughts (unfiltered) about sessions you have done with him and anything else that may happen during your play. It will be eye opening for you both. When he reaches the end of the journal, he may present it to you. The first page should say something like: Dedicated to my Mistress Michelle, Property of Mistress Michelle. I have always enjoyed having my submissive or slave at my feet while I read through their slowly evolving journal.


Join some groups in your area, and go to some "munches". Conventions are also a great avenue for exploring and learning about kink. Thunder in the Mountains is one of the best! Here is a great link to the fetish scene: http://www.fetishscene.com/fetishscene/cgi/main.cgi

Think about being a "bottom" to someone. A "bottom" is someone who is being played with by a "Top". One who is not submissive, or a slave, but one who allows someone to play with them. Find out how it feels to be played with within the boundaries of your limits. It is a MUST to know what certain things feel like even if it is on a lower scale pain-wise.

A great place to go is Amazon.com. Lots of books on the subject. Here are two links to two great books: SM 101, by Jay Wiseman. Also, Screw the Roses, Send me the Thorns, by Philip Miller and Molly Devone.

Another great book I recommend: When Someone You Love is Kinky, by Dossie Easton and Catherine A. Liszt

One GREAT web site I HIGHLY recommend: www.Fetlife.com Find my profile here: http://fetlife.com/users/130977

There, you will find like-minded people and be able to explore ALL subjects kinky and S/m related. You will love it! You will also be able to find events and groups in your area, plus you can ask questions to those more experienced.

Remember, use all your resources AND most importantly, there will be no other domme like YOU. Trust yourself and what unfolds in your own personal journey into Domination and submission.

Keep me posted!

In Sisterhood,

M Sharina